Daredevil: The Man Without Ambition

by Rory, the Bad Genious Procrastinator

Daredevil - the Man Without Fear! Daredevil – the Blind Hero! Daredevil – Lawyer by day, Vigilante by Night! Daredevil – Protector of Hell’s Kitchen! Dare---

Wait, what? Protector of Hell’s Kitchen? As a resident of this lovely area of Manhattan, I just gotta say – you are setting the bar a little low there, double D. This regional restriction brings up two big questions for the man of many Ms.

1. Why just Hell’s Kitchen?

For those of you unfamiliar with New York City, the town is broken up into quaint sectors that serve the purpose of creating broad stereotypes about the people who live there. Hell’s Kitchen is one such district, spanning from 34th Street to 59th street (which is Madison Square Garden to Central Park) and 8th Avenue to the Hudson River.

Yup, that’s it. Under 30 blocks, and a couple of avenues. Really, Daredevil, don’t hurt yourself on your 2 hour patrols. Other super heroes protect entire cities, countries, and even universes. But, hey, keep a close touch on your 2 square miles. We’re all very impressed.

And furthermore, what happens if the criminals, you know, flee? Does he chase criminals until they hit Chelsea, pause, and then dust his hands off and say “Well, my work here is done”? But these are just minor foibles, compared to big question numero dos:

2. What threats are there in Hell’s Kitchen?

Now, I know I may be jinxing myself when writing this, and will probably get mugged later tonight. There’s still a lot of crime in the city, but things have really been cleaned up since the 1980s. Here are some of the common dangers that Daredevil probably faces nightly.

• Bums

Ah, the homeless. The spice of New York. Now, just to be clear – I don’t see all bums as threats. There are some that are picking aluminum cans out of the trash – a vital public service. Others entertain by singing on the subway or concocting tales of needing $3.25 for a bus ticket. And then there are some screaming about the radio signals in their heads. Fun!

However, there are others constantly giving you the stink eye. If you are a girl, you may be hounded by cat-calls as you walk down the street (in other neighborhoods of Manhattan, guys may also have the same concern). Compounded with the fact that many of these dilapidated fellows are veterans, there may be some need for a super-hero, but this is amateur hour. Threat Level: 5




• Drunk College Kids

Loud, belligerent, and amorous - you will find this vile creature staggering out of all bars and clubs between two and four in the wee hours of the night. Home of John Jay College, this area still sees its share of the Columbia elites and NYU vagrants. But, this is small potatoes for a super-hero. Daredevil should easily be able to break up quarrels between Yankees and Mets fans while holding back a freshman’s hair as she pukes on the sidewalk. Threat Level: 1




• Air smells mysteriously like weed

I’m blaming this on the college kids, too. It’s hard to get more than a few blocks anywhere in this area without the aroma hitting you – and with Daredevil’s heightened senses, he’ll be walking around with a second-hand high all day long. (Now that I think about it, it really explains Stephon Marbury’s behavior since getting traded to the Knicks). Anyway, this will definitely impede Mr. Murdock’s war on crime. Threat Level: 4.20

• Litterbugs

If you visit Manhattan, I must warn you – do your best to avoid walking near a McDonald’s. You will pass so many discarded wrappers, boxes, and other assorted food-stuffs. Basically, it looks like a fat man exploded. I will never understand why people just throw their trash anywhere. I will also never understand why people choose to wear flip-flops when walking around the city. Did they lose a bet, or are they trying to do research on all the various types of ugly foot fungi you can find in the Big Apple? Threat level: 2

• Dancing street gangs

Probably hanging near the Alvin Ailey dance center, these roving gangs of finger-snapping hoodlums will terrorize you with their knife fights and make you question your sexuality with their catchy numbers. Daredevil, however, will find no trouble going Officer Krupke on their asses.Threat level: 3

• Hand Ninjas

OK, these guys are just dicks. They never die. They create foul smelling smoke every time you try to kill them. They leave the toilet seat up. Every time they sip their coffee, they go "AHHHHH" really loudly. They tell the most boring stories that go nowhere and are a total buzzkill. These guys are bad news bears. Threat Level: 6

Conclusion

Well, I'm all out of bullet points (my gun has no bullets). At this point, it's clear: Daredevil isn't fooling anyone. He takes the road of least resistance for super-heroes - protecting the smallest area out of any super-hero. And what does he get? Tons of money as a lawyer, every hot chick in the Marvel Universe, and the reputation as the "Man Without Fear." But remember, I have shown you...that a man without ambition is a man without fear.