Panelology: Married... With Comics, pt. 2

by Brandon

The tables have turned today! On Tuesday, I interviewed Jenn about our upcoming nuptials, her perception of my geekiness, and how the move in together will impact my beloved comic book hobby. Jenn puts on her game face to interviews me about my fanboy tendencies.

Jenn: I can understand reading comic books is an enjoyable activity for you. What I don't understand is the collecting part of it. Can you explain why that is so important to you?

Brandon: This is a chicken and egg question. Which came first; the comic book reading or collecting? For a long, long time, I shunned the "collector" label because I definitely did not enter this hobby thinking that I wanted to simply possess 6,000 comics. I was a reader, and avid reader, which I think was odd for someone reading comics in the early-to-mid 1990s because so many people were in the hobby because of the collecting angle. I can't tell you how any of my friends would buy a comic and never crack the thing open once to give it a read. For those like me, comics were a commodity that was to be traded. We read all sorts of different titles, so we would swap issues for reading purposes. You couldn't buy too many comic books for a $2 a week allowance! I was not in a position to buy every book that came across my radar.

That economic reality is part of the reason why "collecting" comic books has become a part of my comic book hobby. By the time I left college in 2002, I only had three long boxes. Now, I have almost twenty with several short boxes for current comic book series I'm reading. After getting a job and a stable source of income, I found myself going back to the titles that did come across my radar back when I was a prepubescent punk. Most of the stuff I had bought and traded or at least read from a friend when I was younger. These issues were populating back issue bins at ridiculously cheap prices. Once again, economics played into the equation!

While I still consider myself to be primarily a reader, collecting has become an unintended byproduct of the reading. While I would say 80% of the comics in my collection will never grace my eyes again in terms of reading, it is hard to part with the little boogers. That is until you tell me I have to make a choice; you or the comic books. And of course, I would choose you, darling. Maybe.

Jenn: If the house was burning and you had to choose between saving me or saving "The Amazing Spider-Man #129" (Punisher's First Appearance), would I be on my own?

Brandon: I wouldn't say you would be on your own. That would be highly inappropriate for me to leave you in burning house. However, are you carrying anything? I mean, once we get the cats out and I know that they are secure, we could totally go back in and grab some books. By the way, how much can you lift? I would say that each box weighs around 25 pounds. I figure we could make it out with at least ten boxes before the fire gets too bad. I think you are up t the challenge. But remember, this is a team effort. No slacking off! We don't have all day, the house is burning.

Jenn: What if I had been a hardcore DC Comics fan when we started dating? Do you suppose we'd still be engaged to be married?

Brandon: Oh, that's a good question. First off, I have to give you some major props for even knowing that being a DC fan might have been a faux pas when we met. Secondly, I'm glad to know that you've been noticing what I've been reading lately! To answer your question, I don't think it would have matter tome in the way you are suggesting. You know that before we hit it off, I dated a freaky anime girl who did like comics. She was also a furry. That taught me one important lesson; I didn't really want to date myself. I'm extraorinarily broing. I have crappy tastes in entertainment, food, drink, and clothing. I have good taste in women. Therefore, I cannot date anyone who may have read all the volumes of The History of Middle-Earth or who can name more members of the Moff Council than I can. You have no idea what I'm talking about with either one of those cases and that's just fine with me.

Jenn: Can we please remove the Darth Vader head from the headboard after we get married? It really creeps me out!

Brandon: You're asking far too much of me now. Why is having a Darth Vader mask on our headboard creepy? It's a Darth Vader mask, not Darth Vader. You see, Darth Vader is a fictional character. He doesn't really exist! The creepiness rests in your own mind, not on my headboard. Plus, what if it makes me feel secure having Vader there? Would you want to rob me of my safety?

Seriously though, the answer is; whatever you want, darling. I have no say in the decorating arena. If it's between sex and Vader, I will go with booty any day of the week. Especially if there's a Star Wars costume involved. Despite your misgivings about the Darth Vader helmet, you still come to my bed with me. What does that say about you, I wonder.

Jenn: If you had to choose between Star Wars, Comic Books and the Music collection, which would win (this may be useful to me when we merge households *wink*)?

Brandon: Well... I'm just so freaking lucky that I'm marrying someone like you who won't make me have to choose. Right? RIGHT? I can say in my defense that I have significantly cut back on my Star Wars collectibles purchasing over the last year. I feel like a recovering alcoholic saying this, but I haven't purchased a Star Wars figure in seven months. In my opinion, the Star Wars collection has become a bigger beast than the comic books because they serve no "decorative" role in the household. They just take up a considerable amount of space in one closet.

Does that mean I want to get rid of them? Hell no! But yeah... something has to be done about those things. Let's get past this wedding business and getting you moved in before we tackle the Star Wars collection. I've been a good sport about the comic book stuff thus far. I think I deserve that much.

Jenn: What do you think would happen if Frank Castle was one of the leading men in He's Just Not That Into You?

Brandon: Well, first ff, I think it might be a considerably shorter movie. That particular chick flick was like the Lord of the Rings of chick flicks. I expected Hobbits to come running into Jennifer Aniston's bedroom screaming, "You did it, Mister Frodo! You did it!"

Jenn: Just answer the question.

Brandon: Okay! I think Frank would probably kill many of those self-absorbed characters out of pity or principle from the get-go. He would be putting them, and the audience, out of their memory. Benn Affleck and Jennifer Aniston's characters would be first to go. I think he would also try to toughen up the group of gay men who work with Drew Barrymore's character. I mean, really, people are dying every day out on the mean streets and all these guys can talk about is making booty calls on Facebook. I also would love to see him go to a club with the main character/loser Gigi. She would start rolling into one of her moaning monologues about not finding the right man, but Frank would counter with some grim tale about losing a good man on the Mekong River in hail of fire and blood. It would totally ruin the moment and then he would sock her in the face for being so pompous. Then he would go kill some crack dealers or something. It would be awesome.

Jenn and I get married June 13, this Saturday, at 4:30 p.m. We do have a website if you are so inclined to check it out. Make sure you request some ridiculous song and I'll make sure it makes it into rotation during the reception. Just don't tell Jenn! I may be back sometime next week with a few photos from the wedding, but I'm sort of going to be on the honeymoon at the time, which means those scant few people reading this will be meaningless to me during that time. Everything is coming into place now for the wedding.

I get asked the oft asked question "are you nervous?" now virtually every five minutes. I think that question is making me nervous. But I am not nervous about my decision! Jenn and I are very happy with one another. I'm convinced that I will be able to get her to read some more comics in the near future. Our marriage may depend on it.


Chris Ware said...

What's the URL for the website so I can request me some 2 Live Crew?!

Brandon said...

Here's a link!