The Batman Family

by Doug Smith

The Batman. The Dark Knight. The Caped Crusader. Gotham’s solitary avenger of the night, patrolling the city’s streets by himself. The ultimate loner of the DC universe.

Except for when he’s hanging out with the Justice League of America. Or the Outsiders. Or any of the 237 different members of the “Batman Family”. Seriously, the guy’s had so many sidekicks and partners over the years, they even had a series called Batman Family in the 1970s!

So who are the members of the Batman Family? Let’s take a spin through the family tree.

Robin: Batman was originally created as a solo vigilante, but it wasn’t long before National Periodicals decided that they wanted to lighten the tone of the book, and broaden the appeal to include more kids. To this end, they gave Bruce Wayne his first sidekick, an orphaned boy named Dick Grayson (first appearance: Detective Comics #38, in 1940), who assumed the codename “Robin”; the name and costume were influenced by Robin Hood. Robin was the first of many teen partners and spin-offs over the years, so we have him to thank for everybody from Captain Marvel, Jr. to Arana. Say what you will about the Boy Wonder (or, as some prefer, the Boy Hostage), at least there was some thought involved in giving him his own codename and costume, as opposed to just making junior versions of the original hero, like, say Kid Flash, Aqualad, or Wonder Girl. If old Short-Pants had debuted in the Silver Age they probably would have just called him “Batboy” and been done with it.

Robin proved popular enough that he had his own feature in Star-Spangled Comics for several years in the Golden Age. In the Silver Age, he became the leader of the Teen Titans. Dick Grayson was eventually allowed to grow up, going off to college and moving out from under Batman’s shadow. As the leader of the incredibly popular “New” Teen Titans in the 1980s, he finally ditched the green underpants and yellow cape, adopting the new codename of Nightwing. He also got to sleep with the hottest alien in the DC Universe, his Titans teammate Starfire. He remains popular with just about everybody to this day, with the possible exception of Dan DiDio.

With Dick Grayson movin’ on up, the Robin costume was passed to a new character, Jason Todd (first appearance: Batman #357, 1983); he proved so popular that DC’s fans voted to kill him in 1988. The Joker beat him up and blew him up, and he was belly up. Ahhh, but this is comics, and of course Jason eventually came back to life. How, you may ask? It involves an evil Superboy punching a wall in reality. There, aren’t you glad you asked? Anyhoo, Jason’s return was first hinted at in the Batman epic “Hush”, when he was a red herring for the identity of the mystery villain. He then returned for real, first in the identity of the Red Hood, then briefly assuming the Nightwing name, and finally just running around as “Jason Todd, general jerk face”. All of these identities brought with them a new look, but I prefer to think of him in the image you see here.

The current Robin is Tim Drake (first appearance: Batman #436, 1989), who found out that it’s a lot better to be the guy who replaces the guy who replaced The Guy. It’s kinda like replacing Pete Myers on the Chicago Bulls; you’re no Jordan but at least you’re better than the last guy, right? Actually, Tim has proven to be a very popular character in his own right, and was the first Robin to have his own title (now approaching the 175-issue mark). He’s also managed to get himself a considerably less embarrassing costume, complete with big boy pants.

(Earth-2 Note: Yes, there was yet another Robin, as the Golden Age Robin was later retconned into being the “Earth-2” version. This Dick Grayson grew up, got an even uglier costume, joined the Justice Society of America, died in Crisis On Infinite Earths, and was then completely retconned out of existence. But with DC bringing back multiple Earths, he may reappear.)

The popularity of the Batman/Robin team brought some problems though. Oh, you know where this is going. You’ve heard the jokes. You’ve seen “The Ambiguously Gay Duo” on SNL. But there was a time when the issue of “grown man lives in a cave with underage boy” was taken seriously (thank you SO MUCH, Dr. Frederic Wertham), although I can’t imagine how anybody could get the wrong idea…



Ummm…OK, I still think people are reading too much into it; I mean, it’s not like there was ever any proof that they, I don’t know, slept in the same bed or anything…



Oops. Anyway, DC had to prove that Batman and Robin were not, in fact, homosexuals. To accomplish this, they introduced…

Batwoman: To more firmly establish Bruce Wayne as Dick’s father figure, they introduced a “mother figure” in the character of Kathy Kane (first appearance: Detective Comics #233, 1956), who was Batman’s love interest and fellow crime fighter. Kathy donned a yellow costume and the Batwoman name. She fought crime with a variety of weapons disguised as feminine products. No, not THOSE “feminine products”! We’re talking lipstick and hairnets here. Remember, DC was trying to get OUT of trouble. Batwoman was popular with readers, and the Silver Age “Batman family” was expanded with quite a few new members (more on them later), but as DC started to move Batman back to his darker roots in the 1960s, Batwoman and most of the other new additions were quietly dumped from the Bat-books. Although she resurfaced in the pages of Batman Family in the 1970s, Kathy Kane was eventually killed in Detective Comics #485, published in 1979, and remarkably enough for a comics character…stayed dead! (Take a hint, J-Todd.)

The name Batwoman did not stay buried, though. DC recently introduced a new character named “Kate” Kane (first appearance: 52 #7, 2006), to much controversy due to the fact that she is openly gay. That’s right…in a nice bit of irony, a character that DC introduced in 1956 to dispel rumors of homosexuality was revamped fifty years later as a lesbian. Somewhere, Dr. Wertham is spinning in his grave. This new version of the character sports a black and red costume (pictured above) that seems influenced by the Batman Beyond cartoon; time will tell if she becomes a strong character in her own right.

But DC was not without a female version of Batman during those years…oh no…we had…

Batgirl: Ahhh, Batgirl. Most fans my age will tell you that the one and only true Batgirl is Barbara Gordon, since she was the original…but wait! Turns out she wasn’t the original! Kathy “Batwoman” Kane had a niece, Betty Kane (first appearance: Batman #139, 1961), who took the name Batgirl a good five years before Babs even appeared. But this Batgirl took a powder at the same time as her aunt, and was seen rarely over the years (sometimes in the pages of Teen Titans), eventually being retconned out as a part of Crisis On Infinite Earths. A new character named Bette Kane has since appeared as the superhero Flamebird (first appearance: Secret Origins Annual #3, 1989), but other than an unrequited crush on Dick Grayson she has little connection to the Batman Family.

So, back to The Real Batgirl. Barbara Gordon. “Babs.” You know how when you’re a young kid, and you first start to realize that girls are “different” from boys? (Or the other way around for you ladies.) Well, the Batman TV show of the 1960s helped me along in that area, thanks to Yvonne Craig’s portrayal of Batgirl. That’s why you’re getting an image from the TV show instead of the comics; any complaints can be sent to my Friendly Neighborhood Editor. The producers of the TV show requested that DC create a female character that they could add to the show, and the new Batgirl was born (first appearance: Detective Comics #359, 1966). Batgirl was the daughter of Gotham Police Commissioner James Gordon, and became a very popular character. She was one of the lead features in the Batman Family series and is one of the most well-known members of said family, in all forms of media. She has, over the years, had an on-again, off-again romantic relationship with Dick Grayson, and inspired countless fanboy fantasies.

But Barbara Gordon’s life took a tragic turn in the pages of the classic tale The Killing Joke, when she was shot by the Joker and left paralyzed. Confined to a wheelchair, Barbara re-emerged as the mysterious information broker known as Oracle in the pages of the 1980s series Suicide Squad. This development lead to a new era of popularity for the character, and she now leads the female-focused team known as the Birds of Prey, who have starred in a series that has gone well past the 100-issue mark; no small achievement in an industry that has only seen Wonder Woman enjoy any sort of long-term success as a starring female character. Birds of Prey is firmly rooted in the Batman mythos, continuing Barbara’s reign as one of the most popular members of the Batman Family. Many fans (and some creators) would love to see her get out of that wheelchair and resume the Batgirl identity; as much as I love “Babs as Batgirl”, I think she’s a much stronger character as Oracle. Thank God for flashback stories, so I can still get my “real Batgirl” fix.

And then there’s the current Batgirl, Cassandra Cain (first appearance: Batman #567, 1999). Personally, I’m not a big fan of the character, but that’s because I’m a crotchety old fanboy who is set in my ways. She does have a very vocal fan base and lately, they’re not happy campers. But I don’t really care about her, so let’s move on.

One of Barbara Gordon’s main operative in the Birds of Prey is…

Huntress: Helena Bertinelli (no relation to Valerie) is the daughter of a murdered Mafia boss, who becomes a vigilante as a means of exacting vengeance. While Batman has frequently disapproved of her sometimes-brutal methods, they have worked together, and Barbara continues to try to get Huntress to move closer to the right side of the street. Getting Bertinelli to be less violent has been a difficult task, but they're taking it one day at a time.

Helena first appeared in Huntress #1, in 1989, but is not the first version of this character. That’s right, kids, it’s time for another trip to Earth-2 continuity! (Yeah, I know, it makes my head hurt too.)

The Huntress was originally introduced in All-Star Comics #69 (1977) as the daughter of the Earth-2 Batman and Catwoman, and was a new member of the legendary Justice Society of America. She had a backup feature in Wonder Woman and was a regular participant in those classic JLA/JSA crossovers, but like Earth-2 Robin, she died in the pages of Crisis On Infinite Earths and was then retconned from history completely. Ouch, babe. The Bertinelli version sports a costume very similar to her Earth-2 counterpart. Since I was first introduced to Huntress as Helena Wayne, and since I love me some Brian Bolland artwork, I’m posting the cover image from a trade paperback that collects her 1970s features. Once again, any complaints can be directed to my Friendly Neighborhood Editor.

You say you want some more Brian Bolland artwork? Me too. Let’s talk about…

Catwoman: Selina Kyle (first appearance: Batman #1, 1940) is one of Batman’s earliest foes and also one of his greatest loves. But since she’s a criminal, it can never last. They’ve been together, broken up, and reunited more times than Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee, only without the video evidence. Over the years, Selina has sported a wide variety of costumes, and I wasn’t sure which one to spotlight here, but Mr. Bolland took care of that little problem for me. Thanks Mr. Bolland! Catwoman has also embraced a semi-heroic lifestyle in recent years, as she starred in two long-running series of her own. However, her most recent series has just been cancelled and she is showing signs of returning to her more villainous ways. Which is understandable; I’m sure that movie with Halle Berry would drive anybody to a life of crime.

Catwoman wasn’t Batman’s only love interest though; in fact, over the years, he’s had more girlfriends than Hugh Hefner. There was the aforementioned Kathy Kane, as well as Silver St. Cloud, Vicki Vale, Vesper Fairchild, Sasha Bordeaux, and most recently Jezebel Jet. But the “other” great love of his life, aside from Selina Kyle, would be Talia al Ghul, daughter of one of his deadliest enemies, Ra’s al Ghul. And together, Bruce and Talia gave the world…

Damien Wayne: The only member of the Batman family to actually have some Wayne DNA in him. Maybe. The lovechild of Bruce Wayne and Talia al Ghul was born in the graphic novel Batman: Son of the Demon (1987), but the current version (first appearance: Batman #655, 2006) is supposedly a new character, as the graphic novel is considered to be out of continuity. Fandom hasn’t exactly embraced the kid (who is a bit of a homicidal brat, after all), so when current Batman writer Grant Morrison leaves that title, I wouldn’t be surprised to see Damien’s heritage retconned away faster than you can say “Xorn”.

Speaking of characters that disappeared quickly…anybody remember Orpheus? How about Onyx? Both were minor characters that Batman kinda “deputized” to help him in his war against crime in Gotham. Both of them were African-American, had names that started with the letter “O”, and are pretty much forgotten now. This really puts the damper on that pitch I was working on for “The Ocelot”. Oh well.

Another character that is rarely mentioned today is one that actually replaced Bruce Wayne as Batman for a while. You thought Bruce was crazy? You should meet…

Azrael: Jean-Paul Valley (first appearance: Batman: Sword of Azrael #1, 1992) has a backstory just too confusing to get into here. But let’s try to summarize: he started out as a misguided opponent of Batman, then became his ally, and then replaced Bruce as Batman when Bane broke Bruce’s back. Azrael redefined the term “batshit crazy” during his time as Batman, so Bruce had to come back and reclaim the Bat-title. Eventually, Azrael regained Batman’s trust and became one of his agents; he had a solo series that somehow ran for 100 issues (I always theorized that DC just couldn’t bring themselves to cancel a book that the legendary Denny O’Neil wrote), but when the curtain finally fell, Jean-Paul was shot and apparently killed. It may be more “Jason Todd dead” than “Kathy Kane dead”, though, as there have been recent hints that Azrael will return. If Jean-Paul does come back, maybe he can hang out with…

Spoiler: Another member of the Batman Family who recently returned from the dead. Spoiler (first appearance: Detective Comics #647, 1992) is Stephanie Brown, the daughter of C-list Bat-villain Cluemaster. She was actually more of a sidekick to Robin than Batman (what do you call the sidekick’s sidekick? The grandsidekick? Sidekick once removed?), although she did assume the Robin identity for a brief time, and got killed as a result. This was a controversial death for quite a few reasons; some fans decried it as misogynistic, while others were upset that Stephanie didn’t get a memorial in the Bat-Cave like Jason Todd’s. Myself, I wasn’t so much upset about Stephanie's death as I was about what it did to…

Dr. Leslie Thompkins: Dr. Thompkins (first appearance: Detective Comics #457, 1976) was a family friend of Bruce Wayne’s parents. After Thomas and Martha Wayne were murdered, Dr. Thompkins helped Alfred Pennyworth raise Bruce. She is one of the few civilians who knows that Bruce is Batman; an avowed pacifist, she is strongly opposed to Bruce’s violent methods and often serves as a moral compass when Bruce most desperately needs one. Which is why it made absolutely no sense when it was revealed that Dr. Thompkins could have saved Stephanie Brown’s life, but chose to let her die so that she could teach Batman a lesson! Yeesh! This was such a stupid development that Spoiler’s death was recently retconned away with a brief “Oh, we faked it” explanation. Hopefully, Dr. Thompkins can return from her Batman-imposed exile now, which will be good news for…

Alfred Pennyworth: Now, this is the man. Alfred (first appearance: Batman #16, 1943) has been there for Bruce Wayne since Bruce was a child. He is, for all intents and purposes, Bruce’s father. He’s never afraid to call Bruce on his BS when it’s needed. He tends to his wounds and has undoubtedly saved his life on several occasions. He’s a butler, an actor, a moral compass, a surgeon, a friend, a warrior, and at some times with Dr. Thompkins, a lover. He is…the most interesting man in the world! And he prefers Dos Equis. (Wait, that’s a beer commercial. Sorry!) Anyway, Alfred is the most constant figure in Bruce Wayne’s life. Except for when he’s been dead. Or turned into the monster/villain The Outsider. Or replaced by Aunt Harriet. Otherwise, he’s always there. The most recent “Batman” movies have cast Michael Caine as Alfred, and I’m using his image because Michael Caine is so damn cool he makes everything just a little bit better (even Jaws 4).

And while we’re on the subject of casting cool actors in the movies…

Lucius Fox: Mr. Fox is one of Bruce Wayne's closest friends; on film he is currently being played by Morgan Freeman. It doesn’t get much cooler than that. In the comics, Lucius (first appearance: Batman #307, 1979) is the CEO of Wayne Enterprises and a brilliant businessman; he runs the business so Bruce can maintain his playboy image. In the movies, he’s more of a genius inventor, but he’s being played by Morgan Freeman, so it’s cool.

You know who else is cool?

Man-Bat: In fact, Man-Bat (first appearance: Detective Comics #400, 1970) is so damn cool, Grant Morrison recently introduced an entire army of Man-Bats! (Men-Bat?) Dr. Kirk Langstrom is the classic tragic villain, a scientist who saw his experiments go horribly wrong (is there any other kind of wrong?) and was transformed into a bat-like monster. He’s battled Batman many times over the years, but he’s also starred in his own feature in the Batman Family comic book, and had a few miniseries since then as well. And let’s face it, while it’s easy to say “Oh, they just rearranged Batman’s name to come up with him”, that’s a trick you couldn’t do to create Man-Super or Man-Aqua. Although, I’m thinking Man-Spider has a certain ring to it…hmmm…

Dr. Langstrom’s wife, Francine, has become another one of Batman’s civilian allies, assisting the current version of the Outsiders team. But when you want to talk about civilian allies, really, you gotta talk about…

Jim Gordon: Sometimes he’s a police lieutenant, sometimes he’s the commissioner, sometimes he’s Batman’s friend, sometimes he’s on Batman’s tail. But James Gordon (first appearance: Detective Comics #27, 1939) is probably the most constant figure in Batman’s life not named Alfred. The only good cop in a corrupt town, he overcame his early distrust of Batman to cautiously assist the Caped Crusader in his war on crime. He’s seen his daughter shot and paralyzed, and his wife murdered, but he remains steadfast in his dedication to the law. If you had to break down Batman’s supporting cast to no more than three characters, Jim Gordon would make the cut. He’s essential to the Batman mythos.

One of Gotham’s other few good cops is…

Renee Montoya: Originally created for the cartoon series Batman: The Animated Series, Montoya was added to the comics in the pages of Batman #475 (1992). A detective in Gotham City’s homicide division, she has been partnered over the years with Harvey Bullock and Crispus Allen. Renee recently replaced Vic Sage as the new Question, which is a move I’m still not sold on; Vic’s death was handled well, but I feel like I’m trading two good characters for one, you know? Renee recently had her own miniseries, but I preferred the 1980s The Question, which was written by Bat-legend Denny O’Neil, and introduced the world to…

Harold Allnut: Poor Harold. A mute hunchback who first appeared in The Question #33 (1989), he soon moved to Gotham City and worked for the Penguin, but was taken in by Batman and became a valuable ally thanks to his brilliant abilities with technology. Bruce Wayne let him live in the Batcave (seriously, Bruce? You couldn’t have put him up in that swanky Gotham penthouse apartment you operated out of in the ‘70s?) but then batshit crazy Azrael kicked him out. Harold later turned up as a traitor during the “Hush” storyline and died. (I couldn't find a good image of Harold to post here, but that just gave me an excuse to use that really cool Batman Family cover instead.) Even though he made relatively few appearances, Harold was an important member of the Batman family because he hung out with…

Ace the Bat-Hound! That’s right kids, we’re back in the Silver Age! Ace the Bat-Hound (first appearance: Batman #92, 1955) was introduced due to the success of Krypto in the Superman comics. Ace didn’t have any powers, but he did have an awesome mask. What with the Batman family having a “dad” (Batman), “mom” (Batwoman), “son” (Robin), and “daughter” (Batgirl), I guess it was decided they needed a dog. All that’s missing now is a white picket fence and another .5 of a kid. Sadly, Ace wasn’t seen much after the Silver Age (there was a rumor that he was sent to a farm upstate), but he did come back in the early ‘90s and live in the Batcave with Harold. Until batshit crazy Azrael kicked them out.

Sure, Ace the Bat-Hound is a perfect example of Silver Age silliness, but really, he wasn’t that bad. And really, if he’s the worst thing to come out of the Silver Age of Batman, then it really could have been worse, right?

Bat-Mite: I think we're done now.



Read more!

Watchmen has a Trailer

by VM

It's the biggest selling graphic novel of all time. It's commonly referred to as the greatest story every told in Comics. It's coming to the big screen and prior to that we now have a trailer. Are we excited?

And since it's Bat-Week, we'll ask his surrogate, Nite Owl.


...oh dear. He doesn't look happy does he? Still, onwards!


So what do we think? It's hard to know what to think from a trailer these days. Comic Book trailers are always a bit difficult to judge, especially from the perspective of people so close to the source material, plus it seems to be possible to make Anything look good for two minutes. And is there really anyone who can see something like this with fresh eyes if they've read the graphic novel? Can we hope to be even mildly objective about something we love?

So having admitted the bias first off I have to say... I'm optimistic.




It looks pretty. It looks dark, and grimy and potentially quite nasty. WATCHMEN isn't a nice story a lot of the time and it does appear that they're going with that; Seeing Dr Manhattan vaporising a Viet Cong soldier probably isn't that politically correct, but having it in the film indicates they're hopefully being pretty faithful to the source material. In fact, all the visuals - in a slightly stylised manner - seem to be in the right sort of place. Dr Manhattan in particular seems spot on.



Well, mostly. Silk Specter looks possibly a bit too kewl. And Nite Owl doesn't appear to be fat. And it's somewhat disappointing they've gone for a song over the whole thing - for something as grand as this could and possibly should be it's a shame there's no orchestral score sweeping around it. And what's with Comedian punching a hole in the wall? How is a normal man supposed to do that?



But despite these niggles, I'm inclined to be optimistic. Nothing leaps out at me as fundamentally wrong at this point. Certainly, there are obviously compromises but that was a given. What's possibly more important is that at this point I look at that trailer and think 'that could work'. It might not, of course and there's still the Alan Moore curse to contend with that seems to dictate none of his work will ever be adapted well for the big screen. But there are definitely reasons to be cautiously optimistic.

Now, go on. Go make up your own mind.
Read more!

Panelology - Where We Buy Comics

by Brandon


Where do you buy comics? This week, I am running under the assumption that you, my dear readers, actually buy comics and that you are not one of those commies who steals via the Internet. There has been quite a evolution over the last few years with comic books with the "where" question. It seems that comic books are both readily available and far out of reach all at once. Today, I'll be looking at some of the more popular ways and places to buy comics today.

God I hope this doesn't turn out to be one of those "I remember the good ol' days" articles, but I have a feeling it will shortly. I remember the good ol' days when I could walk into the local yokel Circle K convenience store and buy comic books. One of the most memorable issues was of the first issue of the Nomad miniseries. That's right. Don't laugh. He had a gun , dude. On the cover. And Captain America was in it. He was on the cover too. It was kind of like my patriotic duty to buy the comic. I flipped through the issue and had the classic moment of the clerk saying it wasn't a library. I paid for my Thirst Buster and comic, walking out the door to go read it in quiet solidarity. Ah, those were the good ol' days.

It seemed like comics were sold everywhere back then, but now the market is fairly limited. I can't even recall the last time I saw a comic on the shelf outside of a bookstore, comic shop, convention, or online venue. It makes me sad. Well, not really. I have a pretty healthy dose of apathy, but today's comic book market is very different than it was twenty years ago.

So... Where do we buy comics?

Local Comic Shops
I talked about comic shops in an early edition of Panelology, and probably in not such a rosy manner. I won't go into that amount of gruesome detail, but comic shops are the norm for most individuals. Comic shops are a mixed bag in terms of quantity and quality of the merchandise, but the weekly pilgrimage to the shop is a time-honored tradition for fans everywhere. Most shops offer a pull or save system for reader where shop owners will hold the most recent issue for you of your favorite titles. Some places have limits, some don't. Some require you to fill out a previews sheet monthly, so don't. Some shops even have pretty anal policies about pull lists like having only seven days to come get your books before they are thrown on the shelf. Many shops today offer some type of discount, which is good for el cheapo's like myself. The big advantage to comic shops is the social networking aspect to it. I'm not really talking about the gamers (pictured to the right) here either. I loathe those demons. Comic shops can be like Cheers for fans. We may look more like Norm Peterson than Sam Malone, but Norm always had much more fun anyway.

Bookstores
Bookstores have move more into the graphic novel segment of comic books recently, but even then they have taken a backseat to Manga. The local Borders and Books-a-Million had rather large graphic novel sections about five years ago, but now they have puttered down to two shelves, where as Manga may take up an aisle at least. Many of the larger bookstore chains have websites where you can buy graphic novels. Amazon has a great used section where I buy 99.9% of my trades because I am a cheap bastard. many of the larger chains do offer discounts for joining their discount rewards program, but that's generally only about a 10%-15% discount. It's better than nothing.

eBay
It's time for my hourly eBay rant. eBay's slogan of late should be "It's not rape when you buy something from a seller, it's consensual buggery!" I can't find solid deals on eBay to save my life. A few years ago, eBay was the place for deal, but that has sort of dwindled away. There are deals to be had out there on eBay. Maybe I don't have the patience to bid and re-bid. Some collectors really love shopping here. I have found shipping prices to be outrageously inflated on eBay. For collectors, buying single issues on here is like taking a digital crap shoot. The seller can say mint, but that could really mean that it has melted mints all over the book. It can be a good place for a deal, but it is only for the patient, mentally ill, or Guardians of the Galaxy fans.

Conventions
Comic book conventions are like the United Nations, there is a lot of hustle and bustle going on, but you ultimately feel like nothing much meaningful is getting accomplished. That may or may not be an accurate statement for some, but comic book conventions can be huge. Sometimes too huge! I despise looking through long box after long box that is not alphabetical order and is filled with more shitty issues of Submariner or Green Lantern than you could shake a black-bagged Superman's Death at. However, for those who persevere and overcome the hardships of endless sifting, you too can find that issue of Spider-Man 2099 #14 you have sought for all of your life. Now that your life is complete, you may leave the convention floor, champion of the long box! ... But seriously, there can be good deals to be found here, but for my dollar it probably isn't worth going through thousands of boxes where someone's 1990's backstock has thrown up in.


Online Comic Stores
The growth of monthly online comic book stores and backstock stores has been a great boon for the industry. Being an online shopper myself, I have to admit a certain degree of bias. I love my monthly online store, Mail Order Comics. The discount is right, they have good shipping options, and they have never messed up an order of mine. It sucks that I am perpetually a month behind on comics, but I'm cool with that. Being behind is the cool thing for many comic companies, so why not their fans? I do sort of miss going to a store weekly, but I think I buy less now, which is a good thing. My wallet thanks me. Most online stores that sell back issues run regular sales. That is typically when I get comics from these venues. Often times, if they aren't on sale, I feel the prices are bit inflated. They are a nifty place to find comics and are generally easy to navigate. I see these as being "online conventions" because their prices are sometimes comparable to what you might pay at the convention without having to see forty copies of the first issue of Mutant Agenda. Many of these sites offer e-mail subscriptions where you can receive store updates, coupons, secret promotions, and porn. Well, maybe you won't receive any porn. There are websites devoted to that too. There are some very cool sites out there. Both for porn and comics. In terms of comic shops, My Comic Shop, Comic Book Supermarket, and Mile High Comics are three that I have had good transactions with.

Sadly, I can't add Circle K here, but the above list gives you an idea of where comics can be bought today. Who knows? Maybe in ten years the list will look completely different. Collectors should really try lots of places out to find where they can get the best deals and quality product for their taste. If you can think of some great places to buy comics, be sure to respond to this article.

Panelology will take a one-week hiatus, but I will be back at that appointed time to deliver my final article on the essentials of comic books. It will deal with the Trades vs. Single-issues debate. Until then, you can catch my two X-Files articles next week. I'll start the week off with a look at the series and end it with a look at the new movie. See you then.

Read more!

BG Roundtable: Best Batman Villain

by Betsy

Batman is widely considered to have the best Rogue's Gallery of any comic book character. Between the Joker, the Riddler, Mr. Freeze, Catwoman, and more, the Dark Knight has his work cut out for him when it comes to keeping the streets of Gotham City safe. This, of course, begs the question - who is the best Batman villian? I rounded up the rogues of the Bad Genious to find out the answer.

Ever contrary, Tim kicked things off by saying, "I'm something of an exception to the 'Batman has awesome villains' consensus. He's got a lot of memorable ones, sure, but the ones that actually threaten him, as opposed to being a bit of entertaining run-around fodder is - I think - a little scarce."

Your Friendly Neighborhood Editor was about to wing a batarang right at Tim's head when he thought better of this stance and continued. "I do like me some Joker though. And Riddler, for all his uselessness. But number one? Mister Freeze."

"Admittedly, this is thanks to the awesome Batman '90s animated series and it shows that the quality of his character varies greatly with how much the writers play to those strengths. But if they do? Wow. Creepy as hell. Intelligent. Driven. Focused. In a gallery of insane rogues, he stands out as remarkably sane. Evil? Perhaps, but always with a touch of ambiguity. Check out Gotham Central 1; he takes the time after being surprised by a pair of police officers to teach one of them the meaning of loss by killing his partner. He's not driven by sadism or malice, but rather by the desire to share his vision of the world. He's right, you see. We just can't see it. In that way he's very much like the best characterizations of the Joker, but where the big J is insane and irrational, Mister Freeze's twisted world view is made all the more sinister by the fact that he is very much compos mentis. Brrr."

Matt was quick to agree. "I don't follow the Batman books all that much but I do have a soft spot for Mr. Freeze. He has more of a hero-like origin, he tried to save his wife with cryogenics. An explosion involving his cryogenic formula, transformed him into Mr. Freeze. But instead of using his gifts heroically he decided to live a life of crime. I also like that he has to wear a cool-looking special armor suit to keep his body at a cold temperature in order to survive. He had a fantastic episode in the first Batman: The Animated Series which made me a fan of the character."

I've got to put in my own vote here for another chilly Batman villain: The Penguin. The Penguin is different from other Bat villains in that he is not crazy. I mean, granted, he dresses like a penguin and has a thing for umbrellas, but he's not a homicidal maniac; he is the gentleman of crime. But if I'm really being honest, part of the reason that the Penguin is my favorite Bat baddie is much the same as the reason that the Penguins are my favorite hockey team. I just think penguins are adorable. That's why I absolutely hated Danny DeVito's interpretation of The Penguin, but also found myself saying, "Aw!" when his penguin army invaded Gotham City. Is that a girly answer, or what?

Chris has trouble making up his mind on this one. "Favorite Bat villain, huh?" he muses. "My first instinct is to say Joker, because he seems like the one who's been fleshed out the most and is the most interesting. But that seems like such a standard answer. Then there's Ra's al Ghul, who is a very complex character, but I haven't had that much experience with him. Now that the Riddler has "switched sides," he makes for an interesting foil to Batman. Is Catwoman considered a villain still? The complicated relationship she has with Batman makes for some very unusual stories."

At this point, Your Friendly Neighborhood Editor picks up her batarang again, telling Chris to make up his mind.

"Overall, I guess I'd have to go with Joker: psychotic, frightening, and he knows how to push Bruce's buttons."

Doug immediately (albeit reluctantly) agreed. "As much as I keep trying to come up with a not-so-obvious answer, my favorite Bat villain is the Joker. I mean, come on, he’s definitely Batman’s #1 enemy. However, I think he’s been ridiculously over-exposed in the past 15 years or so, and I’d really prefer it if DC didn’t loan the Joker out as a nemesis to the likes of Robin and Azrael. And while we’re at it, Ra’s al Ghul could have used a much longer vacation than the one he got after his supposed death."

Doug then picked up his cane and told me all about the problems with "these kids today."

Liana loves the Joker too, but she prefers a different interpretation of the Clown Prince of Crime. "When I was a little girl, one of my favorite things was hiding from my annoying little brother and watching the old '60s Batman show on the little tv down in our Queens basement. That show, to me at the time, was about the coolest thing going. My favorite episodes were those staring Cesar Romero as The Joker. Considering how tamed down the characters were from the comic series (something I did not know at the time) and how corny it all was, this silly version of the Joker managed to maintain his essence (minus the homicidal maniac bit) and, for many people, actually provides the definitive version of the character (minus the homicidal maniac bit). Cesar Romero's cackle and creepy painted-over mustache kept the Joker menacing and unrepentant, and it's his particular portrayal that is my favorite Bat villain."

Indeed, it seems that while everybody loves a clown (so why don't you?), everybody loves a slightly different version of The Joker. Take Dan, for example.

"I like Joker. Especially in Batman: The Animated Series Joker. He's funny. And has the same voice as Luke Skywalker. The end." When asked to expand upon that a bit, Dan added, "My favorite Bat villain, by far, is the Joker. The wacky-crazy Joker of Batman The Animated Series, more so than the scary-crazy Joker of the comics. There's just something a little bit freeing with the madcap cartoon version. He's loony but funny. Crazy but not completely homicidal. Luke Skywalker sounding but less whiny. Maybe Dark Knight will change my mind on scary-crazy Joker being the weaker version. I can't wait to find out this weekend."

So, it's settled, then: The Joker is the greatest Bat bad-guy of all time.

Ah, not so fast! First, we need to hear from our resident Bat expert, a man who is about to get a Batman tattoo, Kach.

Kach begins with a history lesson. "In 1989, Tim Burton unleashed the "Bat-Phenomenon" upon our collective brainmeats. During that summer, Batman became fully ingrained into popular culture. You could not walk 2 blocks without seeing someone donning the Bat-Symbol upon their chest. Even the campy television series from the '60s made its return to syndication and was heavily watched by people all over again. The Batman animated series which followed broke so much ground that it is now considered a milestone in animation."

"It took one man less than 10 years to destroy all of that, along with Batman's good name: Joel Schumacher. Schumacher, along with screenwriting sidekick Akiva Goldsman, turned Batman from the dark, Gothic, tough-as-nails vigilante who we'd last seen in Batman Returns into a whiny, love-sick, media darling who had his own Bat-credit card."

Suddenly, nipples & codpieces were added to the costumes, allowing Schumacher to continue his fetish obsessions on film, He also brought the acting talents of Chris O'Donnell & Alicia Silverstone into the mix, and this did not just signify the death knell for their prospective careers, but also killed the Batman film franchise. For years afterwards, a Batman movie, or even any other superhero movie, became a pipe-dream."

Don't hold back, Kach! Tell us how you really feel.



"I cannot think of any villain in Batman's rogue gallery who has done that much damage to the character in that short an amount of time. I mean, Batman bounced back from having his back broken by Bane in far less time than it took his film career to rebound in 2005."

"So, Batman's worst villain in my book: Joel Schumacher."

There you have it! Some of the worst villains can't be found in Arkham.


Read more!

ME and My Batmans

by Joe

I like Batman.

I like action figures.

Ergo, I like Batman action figures.

Let's take a look at some of the best, shall we?

It is Bat-Week after all.

I will be going in chronological order, more-or-less, and will be focusing on the figures released in my lifetime - That means no MEGO, old timers! And, as the title suggests, we're going to be looking at Batman action figures, of the eight inches or shorter variety (there's a joke in there somewhere) with moving parts-- no Barbie dolls or large, Inaction figures (e.g., statues, busts, etc.) and fully-licensed (sorry, Super Amigos fans).

Let's get this out of the way: Yes, I play with toys. Screw you.

And I currently have no pants on. Ha!

Let's (Batman) Begin our journey . . .

1. Super Powers Collection - Kenner - Batman:
For a toy released in 1984, this version holds up remarkably well. As with all of the Super Powers line, it was comic-accurate and elegant in its simplicity. It even came with a tiny comic book that could not be read anywhere else. Except for now if you download it from the Internets, but I digress. And, just like Batman screams at you on the backing card, the figure came with a "Power Action Bat Punch" that proved itself an invaluable tool in the torturing of one's younger siblings.



2. The Dark Knight Collection - Kenner - Thunder Whip Batman:
This was the first time that a Batman figure actually looked like Michael Keaton. After the success of Batman Returns, Kenner released a set of action figures based on Keaton's likeness in the early 90s. The "Thunder Whip" variation wore the movie costume and featured an arm that rotated 360 degrees at the wrist. I can see that coming in handy. And yes, that is really Michael Keaton's face on the backing card. And yes, he is watching you, it's not just a mind trick.



3. Legends of the Dark Knight - Kenner - Dark Knight (Detective) Batman:
After the success of McFarlane Toys and their highly-detailed Spawn line, Kenner decided to release this line of similarly-detailed figures aimed at a slightly-older audience in 1997-98. There were two variations of this Dark Knight figure, one with the comic book colors, the other with the movie colors. This was the first Batman action figure that was truly worthy of being put on display and labeled as "bad-ass". I remember at the time, this figure was almost impossible to find. Now, a decent picture of it is impossible to find.



4. The New Batman Adventures - Hasbro - Detective Batman:
Batman took the cartoon world by storm with Batman: The Animated Series in 1992. In 1996, the series added Nightwing and the younger Tim Drake Robin to the cast and changed its name to The New Batman Adventures. Detective Batman featured a "Dark Knight Returns"-like costume and looked as if he stepped right off the animation frame and into your lap, except far less painful than you'd expect Batman stepping onto your lap would be.




5. Total Justice - Hasbro - Batman:
Hasbro released this Justice League-themed line in the late 90s to give DC Comics the excuse it needed to publish the awful mini-series of the same name. The figures, though, were remarkably well done considering their smaller size. Though you'd have to ignore the armor accessory that, if worn, would effectively immobilize Batman.



6. Hush - DC Direct - Batman:
This is my favorite Batman action figure. Ever. As far as I am concerned, Jim Lee's version of Batman is as definitive as it gets (though many would argue that). This figure, released in 2004 after the success of Jeph Loeb and Jim Lee's Batman: Hush storyline, launched DC Direct's artist-centric lines of figures which has been their mainstay ever since. The Hush line's Batman is a milestone in action figure achievement. It is damn near perfect, and Lee's art lends itself perfectly to the action figure form.



7. Justice - DC Direct - Batman:
Painter-extraordinaire Alex Ross designed this figure, giving Batman a more majestic and elegant look, as only Ross could. This is, like, my third favorite Batman figure. Ever. In fact, if the Hushfigure above was never made, I'd be saying all those things about this one, except that Ross's art doesn't cross-over quite as nicely as Lee's.



8. The Dark Knight Returns - DC Direct - Batman:

I won't insult you by explaining why this figure made the list. Freakin' amazing.







9. Batman (1989) - Kubrick - Batman:
OK, the fact that this is a slightly-larger-in-size Lego man, and still looks exactly like Michael Keaton warrants it a mention in this article (and it comes from Japan, to boot!). And not only does that fact warrant it a mentioning, it's also quite scary. Those eyes . . .



10. Superman/Batman: Public Enemies - DC Direct - Batman:
DC Direct does it again with another line focusing on the artist. This time, Ed McGuiness gets the spotlight circa 2005. The opening arc of the Superman/Batman comic series drawn by McGuiness and written by Jeph Loeb was a huge seller for DC, so a line of figures based on it was a no-brainer. Just like Jim Lee, McG's art lends itself perfectly to a three-dimensional rendition, with a certain amount of "fun" thrown in. Never has a Batman figure looked so good yet been so anatomically wrong.



11. DC Universe Batman – Mattel – Armor Attack Batman:
The majority of the figures listed thus far have only been available in specialty stores or online. This was the first Batman figure that you could walk into Wal-Mart or Target to buy that was on par with DC Direct as far as articulation, detailing, and “displayability” went. Released in 2005, this figure from Mattel took the best of both Toy Biz’s Marvel Legends line and DC Direct and rolled them up into one nice looking figure. And, if you look real close, Batman can tell that something stinks . . .



12. Crisis on Infinite Earths – DC Direct – Batman:
Did you really expect to get through a DC Comics-themed post and not read about a “Crisis” of some kind? Not these days! Twenty-two years after DC’s highly-successful, continuity-destroying maxi-series ended, its toy line began. As far as the “classic” Batman look goes, this figure cannot be beat. Designed by George Perez (while channeling Neal Adams), this figure seemed like an odd choice for the CoIE line. But, who cares? It’s awesome, while still being “your Daddy’s Batman”.


Did anyone get that?


13. The Dark Knight – Mattel – Movie Master Batman:
Holy crap! It’s Christian Bale in your hand! I’m not kidding. This is a spitting image of the actor, and my second favorite Batman action figure. Ever. It takes the idea that Thunder Whip Batman started and knocks it out of the park. As it should, considering Bale’s likeness was scanned in using a laser beam-- LASER !!!-- to mold this figure. And it manages to maintain its detail while still being highly poseable, something that most action figures these days struggle with. Kudos to Mattel, and designers The Four Horsemen, for this figure. I LOVE this figure. I carry it with me all over the place. In fact, it stares at me as I type this.



14. All-Star Batman and Robin, The Boy Wonder – DC Direct – All-Star Batman:
"I'm the Goddamn Batman Action Figure!” HA! I’m clever. Ahem. We’re looking into the future slightly with this figure, as it’s not scheduled to be released till September 2008. (Though, if it ships at the same schedule as its comic book counterpart, that means we’ll be seeing it in Summer 2009). Jim Lee comes back to lend his designs to another set of action figures from DC Direct, this time bringing us the deranged and unhinged All-Star Batman as written by Frank Miller. Say what you will about the comic series (and I’m sure you have a lot to say), but this “younger Dark Knight Returns Batman” totally works for me visually.


And that concludes our journey down Batman-figure lane. I hope you found it enjoyable. If not, well, hey, you’re reading this which means you got through the whole article, so my job is done. But before I go, I leave you with this quote from the late Hunter S. Thompson:

“We can’t stop here! This is Bat Country!”

Be careful out there. Read more!

From Top to Bottom: Comic Book Sequels

by Matt

Welcome to the 12th edition of the weekly "From Top to Bottom" column! Every week I will look at something within the comics industry and give you my opinion on what I think is the best and what I think ranks amongst the bottom-feeders.

Last week I took a look at the Top and Bottom of Comic Book Movie Sequels. Today, I am making a sequel of my own with this week's topic, Comic Book Sequels. Since we were already talking sequels and with Hellboy 2 and Batman: The Dark Knight hitting theatres, I thought it would be fun to visit Comic Book Sequels. Can comic book sequels be as good as the original? Should there be a Watchmen II? Will this column sequel be better? Click away and find out!

I personally don't think there should be a follow up or sequel to Watchmen but what if Alan Moore and Dave Gibbons did it? Should it still be done? Of course I would get it regardless.

The problem with sequels is two-fold. One, the expectation of it being better or equal to the original is too huge of a mountain to climb and fan's expectations are too high. Second, a sequel can diminish the impact of the original, as in the case of one of my bottom picks (more on that later). To me, a sequel needs to surpass or at least live up to the original for them to make my Top 3 presented here.



3) Samurai: Heaven and Earth Vol. 2
I really liked this first series. The art and coloring were so beautiful that even if the story was weak I would love it solely for the art but luckily the writing is strong as well. I do admit however that I was a little disappointed that it ended with a sequel totally in mind because that means I would have to wait even longer to get the next installment. Especially since I was getting these in trades but that is really my only beef with the series. The sequel was fantastic, progressing his quest to be reunited with his wife.






2) Batman: Dark Victory
I am not a huge Batman fan but I will pick up the classics and I consider this sequel one of the classics. Batman: The Long Halloween is one of my favorite Batman series and I was really looking forward to Dark Victory. I was afraid that it would not be as good as the original but I was surprised on how good it was. I was a little worried about the introduction of Robin, I thought it would take away the dark tone of the book but he fit right in.
.
.






1) The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen II
One of the rare sequels that I thought was a ton better than its predecessor. It does help that I love War of the Worlds too. Mr. Hyde stole the show for me and his battle with the martians was one to behold. And I loved the relationship between Quartermain and Mina and how it ended. Such a fun series and one that I highly recommend.
.
.
.







Middle Pick: Secret Wars II
I have a real love/hate relationship with this series. Part of me was going to put this is the bottom but then after I reviewed some the series, I thought it should be on the top. I decided to put this right in the middle (this will RARELY happen). One of my first Marvel comics was Secret Wars II #5. I only recognized a few of the characters (mostly the X-Men since I had just tried out Uncanny) and I didn't understand what was going on but I wanted to know more so I got the back issues. The Beyonder was a big deal at the time, appearing in the X-Men and Amazing Spider-Man comics I was collecting so I definitely wanted to know what was happening. I didn't like the Beyonder, I thought he was kinda a jerk and his perm and jumpsuit didn't help. There were some moments in the series that made my groan like Spider-Man teaching the Beyonder to go to the bathroom, his little failed fling with Dazzler, his 'upbringing' with the mob and his homemade birthing machine. But it did have some excellent moments, I will never forget when Wolverine sliced him up, when he eradicated Death (my favorite issue), the Thing battling all the super villains and the huge gathering of heroes which resulted in his death. Most of the crossover issues were good, especially the bet Mephisto and the Beyonder make on if Spider-Man would save the life of the Kingpin. Marvel is planning on releasing a Secret Wars II Omnibus that collects the series and all the crossovers and the small sequel Secret Wars III that ran in the Fantastic Four (which I have not read). Is this series worth $99? Who am I kidding? I will probably pick it up.


And now for the bad sequels that someone should have stopped before they came out.


3) Dark Knight Strikes Again
I don't think this series is as bad as people have made it out to be. I think the problem with this sequel in particular was because if the hype. This was not as good as the original but it wasn't all that bad either. I know my hype for this is one of the reasons why I didn't like it. It did have some moments that I didn't like, Catwoman's costume, the what seemed like 20 pages of Wonder Woman and Superman hooking up and the treatment of Martian Manhunter. But to me this series failed because I wanted it to be much, much more. And like I mentioned at the beginning, I think this series suffered from both expectations and the ending of the Dark Knight Returns was so perfect that having this series come along totally took away that impact.


2) Kindred II
The first Kindred series is one of my all-time favorite miniseries of all time! (Hmmmm, that sounds like a new topic for the column) This series made me a HUGE fan of Backlash and artist Brett Booth. It had a cool rivalry with two heroes that absolutely hated each other in Grifter and Backlash. This series would lead me to collect both Backlash and Stormwatch. Imagine my excitement when they announced a sequel to Kindred drawn and written by Brett Booth! Now imagine my disappointment. The only highlight of the series was the art and it didn't seem like it was Booth's best. The series was predictable and just didn't have the 'cool' factor that the first series had. And what was up with Grifter and Backlash making up and becoming friends? That drove me nuts, I loved the rivarly and that the original series had them hating each other even more. And what was up with that cat lady in heat?


1) God Loves Man Kills II
This was just bad on all levels. It was probably the best art that I seen produced by Igor Kordey and yet that was just as boring. It really seemed that Marvel was just concerned about getting this story out as X2 was hitting the theaters. Nothing happened in this story that we have not seen before and was not groundbreaking at all copared to the original God Loves Man Kills Graphic Novel. This sequel dumbed the Stryker character down so much that it completely took away his impact.


Next week, in celebration of the release of Uncanny X-Men #500, I will be looking at the Top and Bottom X-Men anniversary issues.
Read more!

Hellboy II: The Golden Army: The Review

by Matt

I just got back from the movie with my wife Kristy. Well, we went and got some ice cream after but I couldn't wait to come home and write about the movie.

Was it any good? A few days ago I listed my Top and Bottom of Comic Book Sequels as I eagerly awaited this sequel to Hellboy and next week to Batman. Did Hellboy II make the list? Did it manage to knock off X2 as the top dog? Hellboy II did have something that X2 did not. Two words. Barry. Manilow.


Yup, you heard me right. And no, I was not listening to Barry on the way home. But Barry was part of one of my favorites scenes. I don't want to ruin anything or spoil anything major here, lets just say that Barry (his music, not himself) was indeed part of the show. And surprisingly it fit and it must have made such an impression on me because I was singing it as I was picking out some Ben & Jerry's.

THE GOOD: I thoroughly enjoyed the movie. If you are fan of the first movie or the Hellboy comics than this movie is right up your alley. Folks not familiar might not like it as much because it was weird, but weird in a good way. Visually this movie looked awesome. The special effects were amazing and the colors were spectacular. It was certainly eye candy. The storyline felt like something right out of the Hellboy comics. The creatures were fascinating, the Death Angel was creepy but yet elegant. The acting and dialogue was good, at times the dialogue was cheesy but was in character.

I also really liked getting to know the characters more, Abe definitely had a larger role and it didn't take away from Hellboy. There were some heart wrenching parts that really made you think. Like the X-Men, you got to see how different they were and how they were treated. The main villain, Price Nuada felt a lot like Magneto. An elegant man that didn't want to relive the past and was willing to do everything to save his kind. There was humor in this film as well, and the humor is exactly what you would expect from a Hellboy comic.

THE BAD: Some of the creatures looked too weird and it seemed at times that they had to be so strange that they were all trying to get our attention. The new character Johann Kraus was fairly interesting but at times got annoying. But these problems were extremely minor and didn't keep my jaw off the floor. I guess the only bad thing is that Del Toro will be doing the Hobbit films and not the next Hellboy film. They did hint at a possible sequel.

I still think X2 was a slightly better sequel, but Hellboy II certainly gave it a hell (pun not intended) of a run for its money and now is firmly in 2nd place on my list. I highly recommend this film to everyone. Those with young children will probably want to view the film first, it does have a lot of disturbing and scary images. It was a hell of a film! Pun totally intended this time, I am writing this too late at night and I am off to bed.

Here's hoping that The Dark Knight is as good as this one! I'll see you in line next Friday night.

Read more!

Secret Invasion #4: Skrullduggery

by Liana

Trite. Hackneyed. Stereotypical. That’s my overall review of Bendis and Yu’s Secret Invasion #4. Why? Because after a fun start, we’ve reached Bendis’ favorite destination, Cliché Point, where nothing happens. I hate to sound so unoriginal, but there you go. Let’s see if we can figure out why the events of this issue couldn’t happen over the course of four pages in the next and justify the handing over of $4.

The issue opens with the second best page of the book. The best is the last, but we’ll get to that later. We’re treated to a boring voiceover explaining that humans are greedy and stupid and they’ve already lost the war. This voiceover goes on for ten pages. And as you’re reading it, it comes across as just repeating the same thing over and over. Going through it a second time for examples, I can’t actually pinpoint anything specific. I guess that’s just one of those Bendisms that can’t be proven but are none-the-less true, like how ten minutes after you wash your car, a bird will crap on it.

But I said this was the second best page of the issue. That’s because the images we open with are of Reed Richard being tortured by the Skrulls by being stretched to capacity. It’s heartbreaking and awesome. Even Agent Brand, who has managed to float through space and onto a Skrull ship, is moved to tears, though it’s hard to tell whether those tears are for Reed or for all the monitor images of Earth under attack. Agent Brand, really? Okay. At least I also finally read Secret Invasion: Who Do You Trust? last night, so her presence isn’t totally out of nowhere anymore. But it’s still pretty random, no? Well, what I think I mean is that it seems pretty random to suddenly have the events of Astonishing X-Men more tied to current continuity than the other X-titles.

Oh, here’s a question: when Nick Fury puts together a team, is it always called the Howling Commandos? Just wondering. Also wondering why I’m supposed to care about this group of yahoos no one’s ever heard about before. Is it just because Fury found them? Because that isn’t working for me.

Is Tony Stark a Skrull or not? This seems to be the big question that isn’t going to be answered until the end. I can’t wait for three more issues of whining and wondering about that. I really like Jessiskrull’s attempts to convince him he is. It makes me want him to be one. But the Black Widow, who is being drawn to look like a man in some of these panels, doesn’t buy it for a second. She kills Ship Beast and Ship Jean Grey, who were Skrulls, incidentally. Dan was pretty disappointed about that, because he wanted Ship Beast to be Real Beast and thereby “undo stupid CatBeast and everything from Morrison’s stupid run.” Oh, Dan. Hey, something I liked! The codeword Wolverine has to use to prove he isn’t a Skrull is hysterical because it’s totally something you’d never expect him to say.

Black Widow says that Tony Stark is one of “five people on the planet who can stop this.” Who are the other four? Reed Richards, obviously. Nick Fury? That will only annoy me slightly, though I still don’t think it will make me care about his team. Agent Brand? I guess her history is mysterious enough that it could work, though that would still be kind of out of nowhere.

What about the Hood? Was I talking about random before? Because I had to do a wikipedia search on The Hood. I never heard of his 2002 Max series, I didn’t read Beyond! and I don’t read New Avengers or Daredevil. He's assembling his crime syndicate to fight the Skrulls, because the Skrulls winning is “bad for business.” If it’s the Hood, I’ll be really annoyed.

Maybe it’s these two guys? Which two guys? The two guys on the last page. You know who I mean. Mr. Krakaboom and Mr. Binoculars. I have to admit to getting pretty excited when I saw Thor coming down from the sky. Like, now we’re getting somewhere. And then to end on Cap, well, let’s just say that for the second I thought it was RealCap, I was super happy. Then I realized it could easily be BuckyCap and I let out a resigned sigh.

So Iron Man, Mr. Fantastic, Thor, Captain America and….Agent Brand? Is that who I’m going with? That just doesn’t seem quite right. OH! Especially since, as I said, I just read Who Do You Trust? and now know that Marvel Boy will randomly be a big player in all of this. And what about the Agents of Atlas? I think I need to spend more time at wikipedia today, because how are all these random people going to fit into things if, as Black Widow says, there are only five people who can stop this?

I love this storyline. It’s awesome. Seriously. But this issue, aside from the first and last pages, was really just an exercise in treading water. I have to give it a C+ and cross my fingers that next issue is action-packed Skrully goodness. Was it worth the $4? Meh. Read more!