by Matt
Welcome to the 10th edition of the weekly "From Top to Bottom" column! Every week I will look at something within the comics industry and give you my opinion on what I think is the best and what I think ranks amongst the bottom-feeders.
Alpha Flight characters go through a ton of stuff and are always changing. Multiple deaths and resurrections, sex changes, different powers, different personalities, siding with the angels one moment and with the devil the next, it certainly makes for an interesting read. Maybe the reason I am very fond of these characters is because they change so often, and deep down inside I knew that I would lose them at any time. Here are my Top 3 favorite Alpha Flight characters along with 3 characters who I wouldn't trade for a Loonie. 
Madison has the ability to transmute metal and can make virtually anything. But that was only part of his abilities. He later made himself a cool-looking metal battle suit and could merge with it and transmute his "Box" body. The only thing that I didn't like about the character was his codename. I always thought it be would cool if he joined the X-Men with Forge as a teammate.
I really liked the original Guardian, James MacDonald Hudson. He didn't want to be a hero and leader. You can tell how insecure he was about it all. I was sad when he was killed, but it certainly progressed the story. He was not killed just to be shocking (like he was the 4th time he was killed). His costume was so simple and so cool. But he has been killed and resurrected more times than Jean Grey. His wife later took the costume and abilities and became Vindicator but she was more assertive in her leadership than James.
Every version of Alpha Flight has a Sasquatch on the team, whether it is Walter Langkowski or a real Bigfoot! When I think of Alpha Flight, I think of Sasquatch. Originally, James wanted to become like the Hulk so he took some gamma rays and became Sasquatch instead, only it was not the gamma rays but it was one of the Great Beasts that was inhabiting his body. Snowbird realized this and killed him. And that is just the start of his strange journey. His spirit was still alive and Shaman put it in one of the Box robot bodies. Then his spirit left the Box robot and he took possession of the white Sasquatch (which was Snowbird who was killed by Vindicator), and when he reverted to human, he became a woman and was known as Wanda. Eventually he was turned back to the oranges Sasquatch and back to a man by Talisman. He's been through every up and down and is still with the team.
There have been many attempts at making Alpha Flight a "cool" book. Marvel has tried to make it like the Avengers, by making them look like "Avengers North" and they tried to make them look like the X-Men by introducing a Wolverine or Cable type character. And now for those "cool" Bottom 3 characters.
Manbot had some cool things about him but he was as lackluster and creative as his name. The cool thing about him is that he was made up of old Box parts and they tried to reconfigure him. He was also used to spy on the members of Alpha during the 2nd volume.
I can imagine the Marvel Editorial thinking behind this character. "Let's see, Cable is popular, let's make another character like that. Hmmmm, cable, wire. Hey! Wire! Only let's spell it with a 'y' to make it look more cool. He should have guns too! At least this guy's codename made more sense than Cable's did. Wyre had the creepy ability to make hard wires come out of his shoulders which he could use to pick up things and stab them. Ew. 
He started out as a decent and creepy little villain, but then Wild Child was brainwashed, became good and joined Alpha Flight -first as Weapon Omega and then *groan* Wildheart. He lost everything that was cool (which was not a whole lot) about him when he became a hero. It seems like back in the '90s, anyone who was evil and had claws became a hero. He joined X-Factor and was the 'one with the claws' on that team (which was another '90s rule; every team had a guy that could cut people). Eventually he became evil again and lost his powers due to M-Day. He has appeared since with his powers.
Alpha Flight is still one of my favorite books. They definitely had some good moments and memorable story lines. They started a Registration Act years before Civil War was even thought of, they were one of the first teams to feature a woman leader, they also had the first homosexual superhero in Northstar. I am sure you can find a ton of them in some quarter bin, give them a try!
*Dedicated to Jon who celebrates his birthday on Canada Day. I drink a Canada Dry in your honor!
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7.01.2008
From Top to Bottom: Happy Canada Day!
6.14.2008
THE INCREDIBLE HULK: The Movie: The Review
by Jon Quixote Norton Smash Word of Mouth For Movie! In a scene from the upcoming sequel, Hulk stares down the Mole Man. 
Like most reviews of The Incredible Hulk you will read, I will start mine off by paraphrasing Gore Vidal. Vidal noted that writers who try to be great instead of good usually are neither. To many moviegoers, comic fans, and Marvel Studios executives, Ang Lee's vilified Hulk, with its kinetic comic-book visuals and focus on dissecting Banner's mental state, illustrates this principal.
In theatres today, The Incredible Hulk takes the lessons of the last movie to heart, and has only the modest ambition of making an entertaining movie with lots of collateral damage. Banner is chased until he turns into the Hulk, at which point he smashes. Repeat twice. Add romantic subplot. The end.
It delivers as promised. The chase scenes are fast-paced. The fight scenes are heavy on the smashing, and chock-full of both creative pounding and iconic imagery. The quieter moments are nicely quiet, which is probably the biggest one-up this one has on the 2003 version (that and the fact that the climax is comprehensible).
Edward Norton has reportedly refused to do publicity for the movie after the studio rejected his preferred cut. Apparently, he's a big fan of the comic and thought it would be truer to form if the scenes with Betty were out-and-out pornography. While I appreciate his fidelity, I don't know if there's a cut out there that would make me really happy with this movie.
My big issue is that the Hulk doesn't really feel like the Hulk in the comics. I don't think this is a case of fanboy whining about how it's not like I read it when I was 10 (or, in my case, two weeks ago). I don't really care about fidelity to the source. I care that Hulk is largely devoid of personality and charm. Sure he roars when he smashes, and he looks soulful when he's alone with Betty, and he's way more heroic and cautious in his destruction than anybody gives him credit for. But that's about it for The Movie Hulk. You might remember him from King Kong. And I don't really care about him too much.
For example, the villain's (paper-thin) backstory is that he's an action-junkie who wants to get stronger so he can keep fighting. He changes and goes on a rampage because, well, he can. So when he fights the Hulk, it's a battle between the cocky Abomination and a mute-Hulk who simply wants to stop the bad guy. But, really, wouldn't it be more interesting if we got a hero who was a little pissed that somebody thought he was stronger and smarter than Hulk? One who screams "Hulk is strongest one there is" when turning the tables on his foe. I think so. I think the movie Hulk is a pretty good character, but missing some of his essence, some of his soul.
That soullessness is evident throughout the flick. Thunderbolt is simply a gung-ho douchebag, though William Hurt has as much fun with him as possible. Tim Roth is probably miscast as the ultimate warrior, Emil Blonsky (why is the one movie where he's supposed to be an action hero the first movie where I realized just how freakin' tiny Tim Roth actually is. Did they get him from K'ai?). Tim Blake Nelson's Samuel Sterns is pretty awesome, but by making him an unscrupulous scientist instead of a dummy-turned-genius, again I think they're missing a minor but significant element of the character. 
I think when the Marvel movies have been great - like Iron Man or X2 - they've kept things simple, but also connected with the things that make the characters great (which is mostly their personalities). Here, they had the right swing, but I think they only got a piece of the ball.
But I'm dwelling on the negative (bad dork with a blogger account, bad!). This is a good action movie and a good comic book movie. We wanted to see Hulk smash. We wanted to see Bruce run. We wanted a script completely devoid of discussion about nanites. And that's what we got. It's action-packed, with a good sense of humor, a strong sense of emotion, a few comic book easter eggs, and cameos by Stan The Man, Lou Ferrigno, and even Bill Bixby. It's just not great.
Of course, it doesn't have to be great. It just has to be entertaining. It is.
And provided they make Edward Norton happy again ($$$), there will be no need to reboot a second time. I'm looking forward to the next entry in the franchise. Especially because there's nothing stopping them from having a little more fun with the character of The Hulk next time. And that might be incredible.
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6.12.2008
Two In One: Hulk & Iron Man game reviews
by Jon Quixote
Contrary to what The General (commander of the army of Wrong) may claim, the Hulk does not kill. I know this. Not one hour ago, I saw The Hulk pick up a New York pedestrian, pound him in the head three times, and then throw him into a city bus with enough velocity to cause an explosion. And in doing so, the Hulk took enough care to ensure that the man was able to get up, dust himself off, and run far far away.
Thus endeth the lesson. The Incredible Hulk, at least the one that stars in Sega's new video game, does not kill. No matter how hard I try to make him. He can't. I blame puny Banner.
But when it comes to property damage, however, Hulk makes Niko Bellic look like Rudy Giuliani. If you like to smash things - buildings, tanks, billboards, army men in high-tech exoskeletons - is this ever the game for you. And if you don't like that at all... well, I guess you shouldn't be spending your time playing video games anyway. You're busy figuring out what the hell is wrong with you.
In small doses, running a half-ton gamma-powered Godzilla through what looks to be decently rendered Manhattan is a lot of fun. The Incredible Hulk: The Game follows the GTA-inspired pattern established by the Spider-Man games: you have the run of the city, vertically and horizontally, with missions, challenges, and easter-eggs sprinkled throughout. And much like Ultimate Destruction, if you decide you want to leave Rick Jones to the Enclave and just start smashing the heck out of the city, you can do that too. 
The nice thing about The Incredible Hulk is that there are lots of small coolnesses. From being able to unlock and play as the different Hulks, like Mr. Fixit, to a very active progression system, so far there's always been something to keep me playing. There are challenges within challenges like trying to maneuver the U-Foes to take each other out. There are comic book references, like DAMAGE CONTROL vans putting around the city (and irony, when you throw one hard enough to bring down the Chrysler building. That was awesome. But I'm a Ford guy, so maybe it's just me.).
I also really felt like The Hulk. Not just in regards to the raw power in the avatar, but also in more subtle ways. Do enough damage, and the army comes after you. But the mere act of moving around the city as the Hulk causes that damage, and if you land on one too many taxicabs while hopping to the next mission, you can find yourself being hunted mercilessly by armored vehicles and soldiers with sonic cannons no matter how benevolently you're playing. At one point, just trying to get to the next checkpoint and running into a battalion of army dudes, I actually exclaimed "$#@%!, leave me alone!" and then had to pause for a moment to reflect on what happened.
The major criticism I can make about this game is that there's not much in the way of large coolnesses. Much like the aforementioned Spider-Man games, I start to wear down. I'm not the best video game reviewer because I get bored very easily (the only game I've played through to the end in the last five years is CoD4). I'm surprised that a week later I'm still happy to give an hour or two to this game here and there, but I'm starting to fade. The storyline isn't engaging in the slightest, and the game never really rises above button-push fighting. 
Did I mention Bi-Beast was in this game? I guess Woodgod was tied up i some sort of licensing snafu. Still, someone actually thought, "Hey, wouldn't it be cool if Hulk fought Bi-Beast?" I would like to buy that person a beer.
Still, it's the best comic book game I've played since Ultimate Alliance. It's basically a next-gen tweak of Ultimate Destruction, but the developers went out of their way not only to make it look gorgeous, but to make it a lot more fun. I think they're hampered by the parameters of what they're doing - there's nothing innovative going on behind this very basic, almost old-school game. But they did a pretty good job making something to satisfy both my twitchy ADD gamer self and my comic book geek side.
Verdict: B. Definitely rentable. Maybe even worth a purchase.
Iron Man, on the other hand, was a downright miserable experience. A herky-jerky aerial combat game that bordered on the unplayable.
Now, I'll cop to some personal bias here. I like video games. However, I suck at them. I'm a 30 year old who's more like 40 on the tech-curve. There's a type of game that seems to be gaining popularity as engines progress, and that's the type of game that's super-speedy and incredibly chaotic. Iron Man is in that style. A 3-D aerial combat version of Smash TV.
Maybe there's an art to these games that I just don't get, but that is incredibly enjoyable and satisfying to a certain demographic. But this is my experience with Iron Man: I'd fly over a hill and into a swarm of bad guys. I'd fly far away, I'd lock in on one, I'd fly through the swarm while firing on my target, and the target would blow up. I'd fly away again, heal if necessary (rarely necessary), and then repeat. Wheeeeee? I'd rather play that stupid horse riding game I saw in Untraceable. You know, the one that gives tech-savvy psychopaths access to all the data in my hard drive.
I also struggled with the controls and the camera mechanics. There's a part of the game where Tony is supposed to grab onto a US fighter jet and take it down that way (rather than shooting them down and being a bad citizen). Well, good effing luck that I could find the things most of the time, and great effing luck trying to line myself up with them so that I could try and precision-time the grab. Three planes need the treatment and that was an hour of my life that was spent having ever so much fun.
Terrorists try to smuggle some fun into this game, but Iron Man puts a stop to their plot.
The capper on this game for me came when I got to fight Blacklash! Yay, right? A kitschy villain who I was excited to run into in video-game form, who I'm never going to get to fight outside of a dedicated Iron Man game. Except that I never ran into him, and killed him from afar without ever even seeing his character design or figuring out how he was hurting me. (It was either a whip or a helicopter, I'm pretty sure) How lame is that? That's Teen Tony Lame.
So my apologies to the people who worked on this game. I'm sure you all worked very hard. But you all suck.
There was one good thing about playing Iron Man. And that's the fact that having save-game data on my XBOX unlocked the Iron Man Hulkbuster armor as a playable 'skin' on my Hulk game. Sweet. I just turned Incredible Hulk: The Game into Armor Wars: Iron Man vs. Tanks.
Verdict: D-. If you're a dedicated comic-book video gamer, and have nothing going on right now, maybe you might squeeze a couple hours of enjoyment out of this one. But that's about it.
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6.08.2008
Mighty Marvel Marathon: The Incredible Hulk Finale
by Jon Quixote
It's HULK WEEK here at the Bad Genious. We've got a new name, in honor of our new leader... The, uh, Leader! And we're starting things off with a conclusion, the final lap of my Incredible Hulk Marathon.
That's right. Over 535 Hulk comics are behind me as I type this. Clearly, I'm now the world's preeminent expert on the Jade Giant. What better way to serve our brilliant new overlord than to to study up on his greatest foe?
I LOVE THE LEADER!
The Incredible Hulk 027
I’m kind of a sucker for fill-in issues, because they're the ones most likely to feel like a short story. I think Larry Hama is one of the best Daredevil writers and so far, my favorite Hulk scribe is probably Archie Goodwin. Sean McKeever gives Paul Jenkins a breather here.
This is a nice classic-Hulk issue, with good observational narrative. Questions are more interesting than answers, and a single line like “maybe Bruce Banner is in there, trying to run the show like an ant steering the Titanic” is worth more than a thousand issues of Bruce wagging his finger at Grey Hulks in his mindscape. I’ve shared a beer or two with McKeever before, but I kinda forgot that he had a Hulk credit. I hope he’s proud of this issue, though I think we’re going to have to have a talk about Hulk and killing.
The Incredible Hulk 029
Another fill-in issue. This one by Fabian Nicieza (and Hotz and Powell, who also did the last), and it deals with the Hate-Monger. I like it less than the last one, because it has lots of hallucinations and mind-fighting crap, but since Jenkins’ last two-parter was basically a Hulk version of the Alan Moore Superman story, “For The Man Who Has Anything,” with Bruce, once again grappling with his mind-Hulks, I drink Nicieza’s milkshake here. I drink it up. 
The Incredible Hulk 032
The Banner has ALS storyline wraps up as a public-service announcement, and Banner gets cured using his evil father’s DNA or something. I’m mostly happy it’s over though, so I don’t care. I was hoping it would resolve the whole multiple-Hulks thing at the same time. I guess I can’t have anything.
The Incredible Hulk 033
The fill-in issues are saving this book. This one is a lightweight story about the Hulk in Wakanda by Christopher Priest. I say “lightweight” but I mean it as a compliment. This issue, it’s sensational.
I wonder if these fill-in writers look at their shot at the Hulk and think “okay, if I’m only ever going to write one issue of the Hulk, I want it to be…” and they don’t get caught up in whatever convoluted mumbo-jumbo is going on in the main storyline and instead they just write Hulk.
The Incredible Hulk 034
The first issue of the Bruce Jones run. One of the best Hulk issues of all-time.
Oh but it just doesn’t last, does it?
Still, even now I can feel the promise of the run still alive in the air. Maybe it turns out differently this time?
I like that they’ve just forgotten what was going on with Intelligent Hulks and Devil Hulks and Grey Hulks. Just back to Hulk, as though one day Banner woke up and thought “this is pretty stupid and I’m not doing it anymore.” Good for you, Banner.
The Incredible Hulk 035
The Nuff Said silent issue. We’ve come a long way from the days of “I’m using my heat-vision to melt the bullets!”
The Incredible Hulk 038
Ever see that SNL Digital Short “Dear Sister”? The one where the roommates keep shooting each other, coming back to life, shooting each other again, to the tune of “Hide and Seek” by Imogen Heap?
I heard they were making fun of the OC or something with it. But apparently, it’s a riff on this Hulk arc. 
The Incredible Hulk 043
This is the issue where everybody won’t stop talking about “The Rime Of The Ancient Mariner.” It’s just like my house on Friday nights since I got Jan out of her useless Wordsworth phase. We’re all ever so smarth. Jones is pretty smarth too. He’d have to be, what to write a story where the characters all discuss and flawlessly quote Coleridge while engaged in a car chase. The best part is how seamlessly Romantic poetry dissertations are integrated into the storyline. Also great: my penchant for sarcasm.
The Incredible Hulk 044
In encrypted communication, Samson confirms his identity to Banner by describing Betty’s intimate birthmarks. This is awesome for two reasons:
Reason One: Clearly, the only thing he’s confirming is that he’s either met Betty Banner or been to a gas station bathroom in New Mexico.
Reason Two: “Bruce, you must meet with me. It’s important. Also, I totally banged your dead wife, dude.”
This is a good issue. Add Bruce Jones to the list of writers who show Doc Samson a lot of respect. 
The Incredible Hulk 046
Cool cover alert. So cool.
(It’s way more positive than me saying “shitty issue alert.” At times like these, it pays to think positive.)
The Incredible Hulk 051
I still believe whole “withhold the Hulk, focus on Bruce Banner” approach is a really good idea.
However, integral to that idea is to have an idea of something to do with Banner. Something more than having him drugged (like an idiot) while generic black-ops agents engage in a carousal of shooting each other that’s so repetitive it’s hilarious.
Ah, the Jemas era.
The Incredible Hulk 052
No, really. I love it when characters who just showed up carry out all of the action while the main character continues to sleep. I’m pretty sick of Bruce Banner by now anyway. Thank you, Bruce Jones, for introducing me to the adventures of, uh, that guy. Y’know, the one with the gun. He rocks.
The Incredible Hulk 053
It opens with some more of the mysterious agents explaining the events of the last few issues to The Abomination, and telling him what they want to do. Of course, they could have just opened with this issue, right, since a huge portion of the last three was pretty much devoted to exactly what they accomplish in the first two pages here.
Mike Deodato Jr. draws an awesome Abomination though. 
The Incredible Hulk 055
Oh no! They killed that guy! How could they?
The Incredible Hulk 058
It’s the Absorbing Man arc. Y’know, the one where the Absorbing Man has new powers, a new personality, and even goes by a semi-new name.
At least he’s still bald.
The Incredible Hulk 062
The ‘Split Decisions’ arc. This is part 3 of 5. It’s a zillion times better than the last one though, even though it’s a little plodding.
One of the agents who has been trailing/helping Bruce now claims to be Betty Ross.
She gets naked. And I think she’s starting to lay the foundation for a three-way between her, the Abomination’s wife, and Bruce.
If she ain’t Betty, she’s done her homework.
The Incredible Hulk 064
“Split Decisions”. Part 5 of 6. Hey! Now, I’ll fully admit I’m no mathematician, but…
Anyway. To play MacGuyver, Doc Samson needs a shirt. He asks Nadia for hers. When she hesitates, Betty steps up.
Welcome back, Mrs. Banner.
It’s also important to note that Doc Samson is himself wearing a shirt at this point. And while he claims that it’s ill suited to the juryrigging he’s doing, he doesn’t offer a trade.
Doc Samson: History's Greatest Hero.
The Incredible Hulk 066
Betty tries to rape Samson. Centuries from now, advanced alien races will find this marathon, one of the last remaining artifacts of human culture, study it and come to the inevitable scientific conclusion that Jon Quixote was clearly full of shit. But I swear that I am not.
The Incredible Hulk 069
Evil Clone Spider-Banner Hulk, the product of an evil cabal of unlimited resources that has also invented immortal operatives (that continue to run around the countryside assassinating each other), as well as resurrected Betty aka Mr. Blue, albeit with a reconstructed face, super-strength and ovarian cancer, says to Regular Hulk, “The plot’s all so much more complicated than you can possibly know.”
I love it when there's a character who represents the audience. 
The Incredible Hulk 076
That “plot so much more complicated than you can possibly know” thing?
Leader wanted the Hulk's body. So he (see above).
Thanks for the “ride,” Mr. Jones. It wasn’t all bad, but I think it would have been better if you had not confused “plot” and “mystery” with “dicking around.”
The Incredible Hulk 077
Welcome back, Peter David. But not really.
The Incredible Hulk 081
That was pretty… dumb. 5 issues of “maybe it was all just a dream?” I’m glad I didn’t pay for that. Well, I kinda did but you know what I mean.
The Incredible Hulk 082
A murdered sorceress seeks out the Hulk (who can see astral forms, remember!) to help her find her killer before she dissipates or whatever. Another short story issue, and a damned fine one at that, with moody art by Jae Lee. 
The Incredible Hulk 088
After the “House of M” storyline (which was fine, if irrelevant), Daniel Way takes over the writing duties. But more importantly, Keu Cha and Jason Keith take over art and coloring duties. This book is gorgeous!
Hulk fights salmon and back-woods date rapists. *Spoilers* He wins.
The Incredible Hulk 092
“Planet Hulk!” It’s off to a jam-packed start. It reminds me of an amalgamation of the “Crossroads” storyline and the “Heart of the Atom” issues. I’m inclined to like it already. And like it so far I do.
The Incredible Hulk 093
There’s a cool moment/surprise in this issue that actually made me exclaim “Nice!”
I don’t really like the way the Hulk is being written – sort of like Grey Hulk in Savage Hulk’s body. This story would be much cooler with innocent, stupid Hulk rather than asshole Hulk.
But for the most part, it’s fun.
The Incredible Hulk 099
And the disc ends. But “Planet Hulk” continues. Dammit!
But “Planet Hulk” is awesome. So tomorrow, it’s off to the local to buy the trade. That's right: I can't stop reading Hulk comics. 
Still, the marathon ends here. I’d like to thank my agent, my mother, and you, all of you. You’re the real heroes.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna go play The Incredible Hulk video game that just came out.
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6.01.2008
Mighty Marvel Marathon: The Incredible Hulk Part 7
by Jon Quixote
It’s the 7th (and penultimate) chapter of the marathon. We’re going to cover 7 years of Hulk comics. We’re covering 63 Hulk comics – a number divisible by 7. What could be luckier?
I’ve done everything I could think of to break this slump of decidedly un-awesome Hulks. I’ve stopped shaving and started praying. I’ve thrown salt over my shoulder. I went out and had sex with the dumpiest, ugliest person I could find (okay it was me, and it was still pretty good).
Marvel Comics and writers of The Incredible Hulk, I demand… retroactively… that you stop messing up this book and start giving me some awesome. Mekka-lekka hi mekka-lekka hiney ho.
The Incredible Hulk 431
I’m enjoying Liam Sharp’s pencils, as well as the coloring and inking on this book. The art team, together with Peter David are still working with an intelligent Hulk, but the stories have more of a horror vibe, and the pages have a lot of black on them. A fight with the new Glob in the Everglades. A fight with the Abomination in the New York sewers. It’s not really great, but it’s a refreshing change from the glossy, sterile sci-fi superheroics that have dominated the title for a while.
The Incredible Hulk 432
Aaand, Sharp’s last issue. I’m starting to feel like the Hulk here. Everytime I start to like someone, they go away.
Hmm…
Gosh, Peter David sure is writing some awesome Hulk comics right about now!
The Incredible Hulk 435
Hulk plays baseball! But c'mon, a freaky misshapen ball of muscle suddenly shows up at the ballpark and starts hitting homers at a record pace? What kind of scuzzy idiot league would let that sort of thing just slip by?
The Incredible Hulk 436
Betty flashes the army in an effort to distract them with a massive case of déjà vu.
The Incredible Hulk 437
Ok, so over the last few issues, there’s been a new supporting character. He’s Largo. He’s a cop in the town the Banners have settled in. He’s big, middle-aged, African American, shrouded in mystery and somewhat superpowered. He’s also very interesting.
So his mystery is revealed. He was (gamma something) by the Leader with the end result of being decapitated with his head grafted onto an android body. There are others like him and he’s their leader. They call themselves the “Headshop.” There’s Dead Head, Headgear, Headmistress… well, you get the idea. And yeah, really stupid. The book seems to know it’s stupid, Betty thinks it’s stupid (although she joins them as Headgiver). So why is it in here? It’s clearly a dumb idea, the creative team knows it’s a dumb idea, it’s a dumb revelation for an otherwise cool character’s mystery, and nobody in their right mind could think it’s funny enough to justify all the dumbness. It just totally ruins what’s otherwise been a pretty good arc. 
The Incredible Hulk 440
A glimpse of what’s going on with the Avengers over in their title in 1996.
Oh boy, is that ever gonna be a fun read once I get to the Avengers disc.
The Incredible Hulk 444
Incomprehensible.
The Incredible Hulk 448
So the Hulk is different now, because of Onslaught (if I recall correctly, his Banner persona went to the Heroes Reborn world). So he’s savage, but more intelligent than usual, doesn’t remember anything about his previous life, and is now hanging with Rick Jones’s granddaughter who’s back from the future and has a laser staff.
Yes. Officially, we’re in Cousin Oliver territory. Next up: Hulk adopts a spunky black youth. One that doesn’t die of AIDS. 
The Incredible Hulk 449
Hey Marvel: I’d totally buy a Complete Thunderbolts DVD. Just, y’know, in case you were wondering. And if it’s not enough for one DVD, and you wanted to merge it with, say, Complete Power Man and Iron Fist, I’d totally… do things for you.
“Cousin Oliver” stuff aside, this is a good, simple issue.
The Incredible Hulk 450
I own this comic. I don’t keep a lot of singles, but I know exactly where it is in one of my few longboxes. It’s in my parents’ house – I probably re-read it within the last 5, 6 years when I was stuck there, bored. And I was really into the whole “Heroes Reborn” thing. I didn’t like it, but I was about 20 when it happened and it got be back into comics.
I can’t remember a damned thing that happens in this issue. It’s seriously like first time. I can remember the issue with Abomination being tortured by Modok and crying, probably 25 years since I read it last. This one, I’m like “wait, the Hulk was fighting some crazy dude in LA?”
Anyway, that’s pretty much my “endorsement” of this one.
The Incredible Hulk -001
The Flashback event, where every Marvel comic did an issue that took place before the events of Fantastic Four #1.
Here, we find out that Bruce Banner killed his murderous father. It’s not a great idea, but it’s an interesting read and a refreshing change of pace. It also remains a cool idea for an ‘event’.
The Incredible Hulk 457
Hulk is transformed into War, Horseman of Apocalypse. I’d probably think it was cool, if he wasn’t dressed like a fat guy I once saw on a bondage-themed episode ofKink.
The Incredible Hulk 466
Betty dies. Pretty much out of the blue. Yawn.
Still, for the record, without even touching the villains:
Bruce has died many times, come back (obviously).
Talbot died. Came back.
Ross died. Came back.
Marlo died. Came back.
And now Betty died. I’m pretty sure she comes back eventually.
But I guess it should settle the “Is the Hulk a superhero?” question. Now that his love interest has died a brutal homicidal death, he’s definitely in the club.
The Incredible Hulk 468
It’s the end of the Peter David era.
Quick thoughts: I can see why many fans at the time really ate it up, but I don’t really mean that in a good way. Grey Hulk was very much a Hulk meets Wolverine version of the Hulk. He was gruff. He was violent. He was womanizing. SuperHulk read a lot like an Image character: It was basically Savage Dragon. It was rarely terrible, and sometimes it was more than a little engaging, but it was forgettable and it never really felt like I was reading something Classic Hulk. In fact, it rarely felt like I was reading Hulk at all.
So other than the scripting being a little more sophisticated, I didn’t much care for it. I think David leaves The Incredible Hulk a more convoluted and frustrating title than the one he took over. 
The Incredible Hulk 001, Volume 2
Byrne teams up with Ron Garney on this relaunch. Why a relaunch? Stop asking questions, smart guy and buy the new #1.
Byrne maybe has some unfinished business on this title. I didn’t much care for his abbreviated run earlier, but he’s off to a decent start here with Bruce wondering if the Hulk is terrorizing the small town he’s hiding in. I'm also happy that we're getting something resembling classic Hulk.
The Incredible Hulk 006
Betty is back to life. But she refuses to sleep with Bruce. There can only be one explanation: She’s actually a plant molded into human form by an evil genius who uses psychic energy to make her believe she is Betty Banner.
John Byrne! You and your clichés.
The Incredible Hulk 007
Oh, the whole “Bruce Banner accidentally stumbles across a colony of plants turned into dead people, one of which is his deceased wife” thing? Makes the most sense of just about the entire Byrne run so far. I think there might be some communication problems with the artist.
The Incredible Hulk 009
Mr. Ordway. Mr. Garney. In issue number 009 of The Incredible Hulk Volume 2, you show the Green Hulk drinking moonshine. But it was previously established that the Green Hulk hates drinking alcohol. How would you explain this inconsistency?
The Incredible Hulk 012
Paul Jenkins takes over. And he gets right into the whole “Multiple Personalities” thing again. For the record, we now have:
Bruce Banner
Savage Hulk
Grey Hulk
Super Hulk
Banner Hulk
And now… Devil Hulk.
And of course, in accordance with Hulk Writers By-Law #45-6, we are introduced to this new personality in an issue where there is a physical fight between the elements inside Banner’s mind.
The Incredible Hulk 014
Hulk Dogs!! But it’s just not the same without a vicious Hulk Poodle. 
The Incredible Hulk 019
Whoops. Did I say there were 6 different Hulks inside Banner’s Brain thanks to Jenkins? Actually, there are HUNDREDS. Man, I really hope that he’s making fun of the whole idea. ‘Cause otherwise I’m going to have to.
The Incredible Hulk 022
So the Hulk is being shared now, by all the different elements of the personality. In a way, it’s a good idea. It gives all the fans their favorites – there can be a Grey Hulk story, a SuperHulk story, a Banner story, whatever the writer wants, to make everybody happy.
But in another, more accurate way, it’s pretty dumb. Because multiple personality Hulk is, and always will be, a silly, convoluted idea.
Eric Powell of The Goon fame is doing the inking and Jenkins is writing a Goon type story. The Grey Hulk deals with some gangsters who work for a dead mobster. I enjoy it in an exhausted, indifferent way, knowing another issue where the multiple-personalities are the subject, or so big and stupid a part of the story that they might as well be, is probably just around the corner. Soak up the kinda-lighthearted, throwaway stories while you can, Jonny.
The Incredible Hulk 025
Jenkins wrote it. JRjr drew it. It’s a big grudge match between Savage Hulk and Abomination. It’s cool. And it’s so, so overdue.
I hope it sticks around for a while. Doing some mental math, going back to when John Byrne took over back in late 85 and did a “Banner & Hulk” split storyline, we’re now over 15 years of Hulk storylines where Savage Hulk, the classic version of Hulk – Bruce Banner, cursed to transform into a childlike misunderstood monster, and to wander the Earth, hunted – the version that appears in the movies and the television show and the zeitgeist, has been anything but a sporadic treat for Hulk readers.
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5.25.2008
Mighty Marvel Marathon: The Incredible Hulk Part 6
by Jon Quixote
From John Byrne to Peter David, that’s where this chapter of the Hulk Marathon takes us. Although maybe that's a better idea for a UFC fighting match.
Lots happens to the Hulk in this go-round, but most of it is kinda boring. When you have a blog that feeds off the highs and lows of the comic book experience, what happens when you're hit with 100+ issues of "that was kinda okay, I guess"?
Curse you, Peter David!!
The Incredible Hulk 318
We’re in the middle of the Hulkbuster storyline – Banner and Hulk are separated and Banner is heading the squad to track down the now mindless, now completely destructive and savage Hulk.
I’m not so thrilled by it, though it has its cool moments. I’m not enthralled by Byrne’s take on a Banner-less Hulk. Right now it looks as though Byrne looks as the Hulk as Banner’s rage made manifest, and that everything that was good and decent about the Hulk was the result of Banner’s modulating influence. So far though, the Hulk persona had been more complex than that. I think the take on the Hulk that he is rage, as opposed to rage simply being very important to the character, is kind of shallow and dull. It’s way more interesting to me when the Hulk is the by-product of more than just Banner’s repressed anger, but rather the by-product of a repressed and scarred psyche.
Also I’m not thrilled that Byrne draws Bruce Banner to look like Janet Reno.
We’ll see if either interpretation sticks.
The Incredible Hulk 319
So the mindless Hulk is rampaging through New Mexico and has been doing so for weeks. Doc Samson has been tracking him, and so have the Hulkbusters. In fact, a Samson/Hulkbuster conflict resulted in the actual death of one of the Busters. There was also an allusion to the fact that the mindless Hulk’s rampage has caused the loss of life. Banner has made it his sworn mission to track down the Hulk and destroy him.
“But first, there are more important things to be taken care of,” he says, referring to his impending nuptials.
So, the Hulk is a creature of pure rage and has been destroying New Mexico for weeks, but is also hard to track. Samson and the Hulkbusters are incompetently hunting him to the point where they’re killing each other off. And the most important thing in Bruce Banner’s life? Finding out if there’s any bounce left in Betty’s bedsprings.
This is a sloppy arc that’s doing wonders to make all the characters involved extremely unlikeable.
And I didn’t even get to the part where Thunderbolt shoots Rick Jones at the ceremony.
The Incredible Hulk 321
Al Milgrom has taken over writing duties. And he’s calling Banner on some of his shit here.
The Incredible Hulk 327
I remember this arc. Rick Jones has turned into a Green Hulk. Banner now reverts to a Grey Brutish Hulk. And Thunderbolt Ross has been taken over by Zzzax. How, you ask? Because SHIELD was doing experiments where they were subjecting Ross to Zzzax’s electricity? Why, you ask? Because if popular fiction has taught us one thing, it’s that scientists are dumb. 
Anyway, as silly as the whole thing sounds in synopsis, it’s been a nice development that’s run in the direction of the Byrne arc, but with a lot of crazy momentum and with the cast actually acting in character for the most part. So far, I think Al Milgrom is writing the best Bruce Banner of the series. He’s the decent & noble man that he’s often described as, but he doesn’t fly off into panicky fits everytime he gets a mosquito bite or somebody looks at him funny.
Plus, there’s great action sequences. Loads of drama. Rick Jones actually useful & interesting. A major league MILF in distress. A creepy-ass teaser for the next storyline. Fine character moments. And a killer ending.
A fantastic issue. I remembered it, but I didn’t remember or even ever realize just how good it was. The sort of story that turns people into comic book fans. I’m loving what Milgrom and his art team have been doing these last few issues.
The Incredible Hulk 328
And Peter David takes over. Motherfu…
Okay, okay. This is supposed to be a seminal Hulk run here. David runs warm and cool with me, but I’ve read very little of his Hulk stuff. So I’m interested. Unless there’s more “Banner grapples with his own psyche” issues like this one. Then I’m gonna barf.
The Incredible Hulk 331
We’re starting the Todd McFarlane run here. And it’s starting slowly.
There’s a great-scene where a de-GammaRayed Leader forgets the security code to his fortress.
Also, Betty’s pimp has shown up to reclaim her.
The Incredible Hulk 340
It’s this one!
I say this one, because I know the cover and always wanted to read it because of it. My enthusiasm is rewarded by something I really hate: The Hulk getting a tweak or upgrade to a super-duper healing factor! Oh joy, more opportunity for gore plus an invincible protagonist. 2 keys to effective drama. But why stop there? Why not heat vision? Flight. Time Travel. His daddy can beat up your daddy.
So not only is he crazy strong and nigh-invulnerable, but he can also heal so fast that a Wolverine disembowel barely gives him a hiccup.
Yes, very exciting.
The Incredible Hulk 344-345
I really don’t like the art. It feels very… artificial. My initial impression was that I didn’t like the story, but the truth is it’s a cool action plot and there’s a crafty structure and good attention to character and the Leader’s back and David ratchets up the Bad Genious’s great sense of malicious humor (although it’s counterbalanced: David’s invented villains are terrible. Just wretched, awful.). But everything feels so shallow I can’t get into it, even though I really want to.
The Incredible Hulk 347
Vegas, baby! 
The Incredible Hulk 352
Hulk is back in Jarella’s world, fighting an evil cult based around Hulk-worship. But that’s not why I’m commenting. The dialogue is terrible. Terrible. Hulk, “Who are these guys?” Wizard, “I believe you’d call them ‘cannon fodder’.” The head of the cult is referred to as the “grand Inky.”
The Incredible Hulk 360
I think a disproportionate amount of the letters are coming from Canada. I’m almost tempted to go back and check, but that would just be insane. If it’s true, I wonder why. Is it a Hulk thing, is there something about our northern isolation and inferiority complex that makes the Hulk a nationalistically attractive character? Or maybe it’s just so goddamned cold up here 11 months of the year that we have plenty of time to write letters.
The Incredible Hulk 363
As part of the “Acts of Vengeance,” Dr. Doom sends the Grey Gargoyle to kill the Hulk. Ostensibly to, well, kill the Hulk, but Doom notes that he owns some of the Gargoyle’s art and should GG die, that’ll do good things to the collection’s value. It reminds me of the old issue of Hero For Hire where Doom shut down his embassy and skipped New York in order to avoid paying Luke Cage’s $200 invoice. That’s a side of Doom that I think most writers needlessly overlook –the fact that he’s a major league skinflint. 
Also he totally kills a gerbil. If I recall correctly, “Acts of Vengeance” had villains mixing and matching so that they didn’t go up against their usual foes. Grey Gargoyle gets assigned the Hulk. The Hobgoblin would fight Captain America or something. And Doom apparently drew the lot with Richard Gere’s name on it. Way to hit him where it hurts, Herr Doktor.
The Incredible Hulk 368
Sam Keith takes over art duties for this one issue, turning a decent fight-story between The Hulk and Mr. Hyde into something memorable & atmospheric. A good fit right off the bat. He has an actual run later, right? I hope so. Dale Keown has been doing the regular duties though, and while it hasn’t inspired me to comment on it, it’s nothing that I want to complain about either. 
The Incredible Hulk 371
Betty’s a nun now. Oh, I like where this is going.
The Incredible Hulk 378
Bruce has multiple-personality disorder (or did, before they were integrated). The Rhino is diagnosed as manic-depressive. Peter David has a subscription to Psychology Today. I have a problem where my eyes rolled so far back into my head I can see my sinuses.
The Incredible Hulk 388
The Hulk’s stereotype sidekick Jim Wilson is back. And in an effort to give him depth beyond that of a stereotype… they gave him HiV.
And when I say "they", I mean The Powers That Be of course. And probably Betty. 
The Incredible Hulk 390
Yes, this is exactly what I want from my Hulk. A super-intelligent, well-financed superhero with chiselled superman features and lots of guns, and who repeats quips from (insert popular movie of the day). Boy, the 90’s were awesome.
Oh, and let’s not forget the healing factor that makes him pretty much invulnerable to everything. But, as a trade off, we get regular scenes where he’s disembowelled. Only to HEAL!
The Incredible Hulk 396
The footnotes are gone. The Hulk and Doc Ock are talking about the last time they fought, but it wasn’t in the 400 Hulk comics I’ve read, was it? When did it happen? Dammit, the footnotes were useful, I say. Without them, the only options are a) Pretend they never met before or b) Refer to a meeting that I, the clueless reader, have no knowledge of. Both suck.
The Incredible Hulk 400
A milestone issue that doesn’t really do anything. But it’s all very shiny.
Super-Hulk is really boring. He’s big, he’s strong, he’s basically immortal the way he recovers from injuries, he’s got a hot wife and they’re reconciled now, he’s got all the resources he can dream of, he’s got a bland ‘tempermental Silver Age Hero’ personality. Is this why people don’t like Superman? At least Superman is, well Superman and all that entails. This is like Hulk being written as Superman – which is to say, a Hulk-free Hulk-comic. Plus, lots of shallow sci-fi. Lots of action. Lots of “kewl”.
I’m sure if you asked Peter David & Marvel Editorial about this period, they’d say that the goal was to build the Hulk’s happiness up so as to tear it down later, but ultimately that doesn’t really change the fact that I’m reading generic-ass wish-fulfillment action comics, and it is bland and it is dull.
Although I do admit that I kinda like The Pantheon and am interested in their goings-on.
The Incredible Hulk 406
Betty and Rick make out. And that brings Betty’s total to… everybody. Well, almost everybody. But for the sake of the Comics Code, it’s probably a good thing that Thunderbolt Ross died when he did.
An awesomely-written guest appearance by Captain America is the highlight. Cap’s kinda dumb, a quitter, and a douchebag, right? If so, they nailed him here.
The Incredible Hulk 412
The Bi-Beast shows up with something called “The Family Jewels.” Doc Samson gets knocked on his ass and starts talking nonsensically about knishes. There is a lot of “humor” in this issue. Those are the best two jokes. That’s right folks. I read it so you don’t have to.
The Incredible Hulk 419
Betty busts out laughing when Rick Jones thinks she’s in love with him because they kissed once. The poor guy. If she stopped it at the kissing stage, she clearly hates his guts. 
The Incredible Hulk 420
The Death of Jim Wilson. Now, here's an interesting question: when the PSA gods need a sacrifice, and they decide to offer up a supporting character who's currently useless anyway because he's kind of a stereotype, are they being less racist or more racist than they would be by keeping him around?
Anyway, my favorite part was when Jim begs Hulk for a blood transfusion that might save his life. "Sure," Hulk says. And gives him a phony one. BWAHAHAHA! "Hey Jim, look at that camera over there...."
No, the Hulk can't give Jim a blood-transfusion to save his life. Because Jim might turn into a gamma-monster and we can't risk having one of those running around. Hey, remember all those times that you were a dumb gamma-monster, Hulk, and Jim Wilson risked his life to help you? But I'm sure if the tables were reversed, he'd recognize that the risk of creating another monster is far too great, and agree that the only responsible choice is to mind-fuck you in your last moments.
Public-Service-Announcement attentions and all good-intentions aside, this issue is seriously wrong-minded.
The Incredible Hulk 425
There’s gonna be a big fight, the end of the Pantheon (big reveal: their leader was an asshole). Hulk sends Betty away. But she comes back to help him fight. Takes one step into the battle. Gets killed.
I find Peter David hit and miss, but I think I take back every criticism I ever made about him not being funny. This was goddamned hilarious.
She comes back to life next issue, by the way.
The Incredible Hulk 427
Ah nothing like a full-page sex joke to break up a story about a child-murderer looming over his next victim. Holy crap is this book ever falling apart.
Find out if it gets better next time!
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5.22.2008
INDIANA JONES AND THE OFFICIAL BAD GENIOUS REVIEW
by Jon Quixote
It turns out that it is the mileage and not the years. Given the pop culture throne upon which Indy sits, it feels as though there have been more than 3 Indiana Jones movies (especially considering that Last Crusade is practically a remake of Raiders). Indy’s place in movie history is up there with Bond's, and Bond installments left double-digits (no pun intended) behind long ago. But given the current age of the principals, the fact that the series went out on a high-note back in 1989, and some of the rumored ideas George Lucas had for the 4th installment, The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull had bad idea stink-lines radiating from it and across the internet since it was officially announced.
As familiar and aged as Indy feels, this is only the 4th big screen adventure for Dr. Jones in his 27 years as the reigning king of Summer movies. And Crystal Skull proves that even if the leather is a little stiffer than it use to be, there's still a lot of crack left in the old bullwhip.
That's partially because the transplant to the 50’s is largely successful in giving this installment a fresh pallor. But it’s also because number 4, for better or for worse, has enough familiar beats in key places that the only Indy movie that doesn’t feel as part of the pattern remains Temple of Doom. Crystal Skull feels different without actually being different - it's Indiana Jones for a new decade, but it's still Indiana Jones.
Still, I think people are going to dislike Crystal Skull because of that feel. I accepted it as a welcome change. If Raiders was based on 30’s adventure movies like Gunga Din, then giving the 50’s Indiana Jones a plot with a hint of Invaders From Mars is both imaginative and natural. It comes across as a logical extension of that time-period vibe, and less like crazy George Lucas throwing his poo at the walls and interpreting the patterns. McCarthyism, overzealous FBI agents, Area 51 & little green men, Nuclear Bombs, and a Soviet plot to brainwash the entire West. To me, these were the best things about Crystal Skull. Those who see a world of difference between alien visitors and a cup full of immortality might have some difficulty getting on board.
I had a harder time with the movie when they tried to wedge conventional Indy moments into the framework. Many felt awkward, not to mention exhausted. For example, you only have to have seen one of Raiders or Last Crusade to guess how this one ends, although the climax here makes far less sense than either of the previous two. The supernatural powers turn on the bad guys here not because they chose the wrong cup, but because they’re villains in an Indiana Jones movie, and that’s what happens to villains in an Indiana Jones movie. I’m not even putting a spoiler tag here. You know it’s coming before you even sit down, and the movie even goes out of its way to confirm it for you at a point where the closing credits are still in the far-off distance.
Maybe there’s an Indiana Jones movie in our future where the villain actually makes good on the bedtime story and Indy has to deal with the threat that’s loomed over the entire movie, instead of it turning out that he could have stayed home while the bad guys destroyed themselves. It’s not this one though. 
My thumb still points skyward though. I had a good time and it did feel like I was watching an Indiana Jones adventure. Harrison Ford still carries the day in a Fedora and bullwhip, Shia Labeouf was very “young Indy” in his sidekick role (and I can see why Spielberg cast him – he looks mini-Ford throughout), and Cate Blanchett is in full-on Natasha Fatale mode. The real selling point is the highly-choreographed chaos that runs rampant through the set-pieces, and too much of the movie is marked by a fluid, high-octane manic energy that I just couldn’t resist. There are a couple real groaner moments, true, but most of it is an absolute joy to behold in the best summer-movie fashion. Stuntwork, CGI, imagination and a master's touch all conspiring to make sure I got my money's worth.
Crystal Skull can’t stand proudly shoulder to shoulder with either Raiders or Crusade, and it doesn’t have the “let’s try something really different” feel of the hit-and-miss Temple of Doom. But it does still feel like a worthy addition to Indy’s adventures, and the combination of action, humor and historical ambiance still make a powerful entertainment cocktail. It’s considerably smarter and grander than any of the Jones-clones we’ve seen try to step up and fill the slot in the near-20 years since Last Crusade hit theatres. It’s still got it, and even if it creaks and sags in a way that it didn’t used to, Crystal Skull should have most moviegoers thinking about downloading the theme as their ringtone when they leave the theater.
Grade: For an Indiana Jones movie, B-. For a typical summer movie, A.
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5.20.2008
Mighty Marvel Marathon: The Incredible Hulk Part 5
by Jon Quixote
Hulk in the 80’s! I can see it now. Rrrarh! Hulk want his MTV! Purple leg-warmers. Doc Samson with a ponytail. Maybe a storyline or two where Banner is on a flight taken over by Libyan terrorists. And oh yes, the Atari 2600 advertisements that dreams were once made of.
So wake up and let's go-go!
The Incredible Hulk 243
And we have our first Power Man cameo! The 80’s are awesome already.
The Incredible Hulk 247-248
A beautiful story about Hulk saying goodbye to Jarella. Also he fights some monsters. It’s too bad that Bill Mantlo didn’t stick to the “at the heart of an atom” title motif that ran through the other Jarella stories. I was a big fan of that idea.
The Incredible Hulk 249
Steve Ditko swings by to pencil an issue. You’d think Ditko would put his heart and soul into a story about a reclusive, misunderstood hero. You’d think.
Of course, there’s no way to know under what circumstances this issue was penciled. I just want to point out that on page one I went “Oh cool, Ditko!” and by page 2 my comments were more like, “ummm… Ditko?” 
The Incredible Hulk 254
It’s called “Waiting For The U-Foes.” The title is a play on a song “Waiting for the UFOs” by Graham Parker (oh Marvel, you so wacky). But I’ve been waiting for the U-Foes since I started this. I love the U-Foes almost as much as I love the Leader. And now that they’re around, the Hulk officially has a great rogues gallery: The Leader, U-Foes, Rhino, Sandman, Abomination, Absorbing Man, Wendigo, Zzzax. Oh, and the Bi-Beast, naturally.
The U-Foes are a cool idea, although their dialogue here makes 60’s Fantastic Four comics look like Arthur Miller plays. Dispense with the origin and on with the fight, huh Mantlo? Still, the ending of this story is a classic. If the first-half was a little more polished, it would be in the running with the Ellison/Thomas “Heart of the Atom” story as the all-time greatest Hulk issue.
The Incredible Hulk 255
And now, a word from our sponsor.
The Incredible Hulk 256
The Hulk takes on the Israeli-Palestine conflict. And it’s about as succinct a summation as you’ll ever read. If I ever go back to school for a more-advanced degree, I have an idea that I’d like to look at Marvel Comics and Social Conscience in great detail. An issue like this would be front-and-center, especially because it doesn’t pull any punches in its finger-wagging. Detractors might call it naïve and simplistic, and that wouldn’t be untrue, but sometimes simplicity exposes truth, and cries of complexity are just an excuse to obfuscate it. How complicated can the death of a child really be?
The Incredible Hulk 258
It’s the first appearance of Ursa Major! I have modest affection for Ursa Major; in my teen years, I played the Marvel Comics Role Playing Game (by TSR), and one of my characters was a teen who could turn into a bear. His name was Kodiak. (I also played a martial artist who used electric nunchucks, but I don’t remember his name.)
In other news, I had a lot of sex as a teenager.
In further news, I use sarcasm when talking about my sex-life.
The Incredible Hulk 264
The new Teen Brigade helps the Hulk. Candy, a fat girl. Wheels, he rides a skateboard. Guess what distinguishes Specs from the group? Anyway, what we’re seeing here is the all-time record for Most Suck In A Comic Book.
They help the Hulk fight a guy on a hang-glider. This might have been a tough comic to read. Luckily, I’m totally drunk. 
The Incredible Hulk 265
It’s the first appearance of The Rangers. In the space of an issue, Bill Mantlo proves that records were made to be broken.
Oh, and Candy’s last name is revealed to be Barr. Nice.
The Incredible Hulk 266
Betty’s naked again. Just sayin’.
The Incredible Hulk 269
Bruce and Betty are surrounded by Giant Aliens who announce themselves as “Hulk-Hunters.” Betty says, “Maybe they don’t suspect you’re the Hulk yet, Bruce.” I recall that they made Betty as a fellow scientist in the Hulk movie. At this point, that’s like making Homer Simpson a tri-athlete/theoretical physicist in the next Simpsons movie.
Anyway, it turns out the Hulk Hunters are Hunting the Hulk so that they can get his help. High IQs all around, this issue.
The Incredible Hulk 271
The Hulk teams up with Rocket Raccoon. I don’t want to talk about it.
The Incredible Hulk 279
Mark Gruenwald pencils this issue! According to Wikipedia, one of only 10 he ever did. It’s not bad. He was a man of many talents.
Anyway, the entire Marvel Universe shows up to pay homage to the Hulk now that he’s got Bruce Banner's mind and isn’t a menace anymore. Boy, they’re gonna feel really dumb soon.
Sort of like I do, after reading a story where the Watcher shows up to speak at a parade for the Hulk. 
The Incredible Hulk 281
The Leader beats Banner-Hulk. He’s always said that the only reason the Hulk beats him is because the mindless rage can’t be predicted and accounted for. It’s felt like a plot device, but it’s nice to see it being adhered to.
Anyway, what does the Leader do when he wins? He dumps wine on Banner’s head and then kicks him out. Awesome. Have I mentioned that I love the Leader?
The Incredible Hulk 284
The Leader has scattered the Avengers through time and the Hulk must rescue them before a final confrontation with the Bad Greenious. It’s the sort of cool idea that a dozen years later, guys like Kurt Busiek would have a lot of success with while filtering out most of the dumb. No filter here though.
The Incredible Hulk 288-290
These are the first Hulk comics I ever remember reading. I guess I would have been about 6. Modok tortures a now-cowardly Abomination in order to condition him to fight the Hulk. Thunderbolt is in on the plan. Banner’s new girlfriend/lab assistant/SHIELD agent is captured by the Abomination & AIM and turned into Ms. Modok (seriously). It’s not bad now and I could see how it would really capture my 6-year old imagination. 
But I haven’t remembered the storyline in years (with the possible exception of Ms. Modok), maybe 25 years. The cool thing about reading this arc is how it’s all whooshing back into my brain – the Abomination crying, Betty tearing her dad a new one.
If you had asked me before, I would have guessed that my first Hulk-comics were Secret Wars or What If…The Hulk Went Berzerk? But those were almost a full year after this one, so there you have it. Of course, this is all far more interesting to me than it is to you. So post your comments: what do you think your first experience with The Hulk was?
It is worth noting that when Hulk’s new girlfriend got transformed into a Supervillainess, and transformed back, she kept her clothes on.
The Incredible Hulk 291
Assistant Editors month!! What’s that? Only the greatest “event” in comic book history. The conceit was that all the regular Marvel editors went to the San Diego comicon, and when the assistants took over, chaos ensued. 
Actually, while I loved Assistant Editors Month when it happened, I think I was lucky enough to pick up the few issues where the real wackiness happened –Thing #7, for example, where he fights Goody Two-Shoes (and John Byrne). Here, there’s a prologue where Banner visits the Marvel Offices for some advice, but most of the issue is basically the Origin of Thunderbolt Ross. It’s an okay idea, and even aside from disappointing my high expectations, is a little shallow and boring.
The Incredible Hulk 300
The Hulk has gone c-c-crazy! If he was a furniture salesman, now would be the time to buy that new dinette set you’ve been wanting.
Here the Hulk is acting as many “Hulk Kills” or “Pro-Ultimate Hulk” proponents envision: just pure destructive rage. The hitch is that it’s all Nightmare’s fault. Banner took care of the demon, but at the cost of his own “life” (y’know, for a few issues anyway). So now all that’s left in the real world is the savage, ferocious Hulk. The Hulk “not a creature of childlike innocence anymore.” “Not a misunderstood monster anymore, attacking only when being attacked.”
So I guess that says it all about who the Hulk is when he isn't being mind-humped by an evil demon.
But I can certainly see the attraction this altered Hulk has to a certain portion of the readership. He’s freakin’ terrifying. And Mantlo and Buscema have never been better than they are in this issue. This is a cool issue with all sorts of heroes going up against the Hulk in what feels like an apocalyptic battle that’s just a few degrees away from being a horrifying What If…? tale. Iron Fist breaks his hand on the Hulk. The Vision gets pounded deep into the Earth. The Thor/Hulk battle takes up pages and is an epic, destructive stalemate.
And at the end, the Hulk is banished to the Crossroads dimension, and we get the famous Crossroads storyline I've heard a lot about. I'm actually excited. 
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The Crossroads storyline is awesome. But the exploits of the savage, mute Hulk as he bounces from dimension to dimension are a lot of fun and very different. Worlds where he has no power, worlds where he makes friends (although being a friend to the Hulk has about as much job security as being a partner to Dirty Harry), worlds of magic and monsters…
…and now the U-Foes show up. Kick-ass!
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Mike Mignola pencils! The Crossroads storyline continues – it was awesome, then it got dumb with the arrival of “Goblin, Guardian & Glow.” I don’t even want to explain who they are, it’s so dumb. But I fear we’re on the cusp of a bunch of really crappy multiple personality stories. Yay.
Anyway, the Mignola/Gerry Talaoc art reminds me a lot of the Severin inks from the early 70’s. It’s expressive and easy on the eyes (not that Sal Buscema hadn’t been awesome for the past half decade’s worth of Hulk).
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The Crossroads storyline is over. 1985 is over. John Byrne is on writing & pencils. And The Hulk is back on Earth. And they’re still dealing with split-personality mumbo jumbo and I couldn’t be more bored.
I’ll probably get into that later. I have a feeling things are going to get worse before they get better.
Oh, and what has Betty been doing while the Hulk was in the Crossroads dimension? She shacked up with a greasy Latino Lover in some hovel. Y'know, I thought I was joking earlier, I really did. But Betty has done a good job of making Karen Page look like Aunt May when it comes to debauchery. Well done, Mrs. Ross-Talbot-Banner-Terwilliger-McLure. Thank you for making sure that in the midst of another psychobabble filled "Hulk has hallucinations of old villains" storyline, there was at least something keeping me interested.
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