Independence Day Retrospecticus

by Rory, the Bad Genious Summer Blockbuster

Let me take you back to July 2, 1996. Bill Clinton was running the country, Michael Jordan had just won another championship, and there were ruminations of a crazy dance called "The Macarena", which was about to take storm. America was feeling great. And, with that in mind, audiences flocked to Roland Emmerich's Independence Day. In fact, it is currently the third highest grossing film that is not part of a franchise (i.e. no sequels/prequels), behind Titanic and Finding Nemo (but ahead of ET). However, time has not been too kind to this film. It has become a forgotten blockbuster, and unfairly lumped in with lamer alien movies (Mars Attacks) or disaster films (Twister, Armageddon). To me, though, this film is an absolute classic. And, since it is that time of the season, let me take you through a wonderful trip through the 135 minutes that make up one of the greatest films ever.


0:00 - Ooh, the credits are exploding. I like where this is headed already. No fancy, over-the-top credit sequence here (I'm looking at you, Spider-Man). The date is July 2nd. Let's rock and roll!

0:01 - Shots of moon. Ominous shadow. Shots of Earth. And BOOM! Spaceships (revealed in a very Stars Wars way)! This movie doesn't fuck around getting to the meat and potatoes.

0:02 - R.E.M.'s "It's the End of the World." This movie was the first time I ever heard this song, and I thought it was really scary. Eventually, I saw what Michael Stipe looked like, and was able to relax and enjoy the song.

0:03 - One thing that immediately jumps out is the stunning amount of diversity in the casting. Three minutes in and we have an Asian guy, a black guy, a woman, and a guy with a very weird accent. Nicely done, focus groups. ::slow clap::

0:04 - Robert Loggia!



He's easily one of the top 10 voices I wish I had for one day. I'd put him above David Bowie, but below Superintendent Chalmers.

0:07 - Jeff Goldblum and Judd Hirsch play the most Jewish game of chess ever.

0:08 - Harvey Firestein, too. Between Goldblum, Loggia, Firestein, and Pullman, this is an amazing assembly of voices.

0:10 - We are introduced to Randy Quaid's Hispanic children. I'm really not sure how THAT happened, but chalk up Latinos to the ever-expanding list of diverse cultures in this movie (with gays and Jews represented as well).

0:11 - First shots of the alien saucers. And more GODDAMN white "gunshot" transitions. Well, no movie is perfect.

0:16 - The Secretary of Defense is a great "That Guy". I know I've seen him in something...and according to this impressive IMDB page, I'm sure everyone has.

0:20 - Yay! Fresh Prince! Finally! Shit, he's going back to sleep.

0:23 - The alien ships have taken their place. They came out of a smoke cloud, which reminds me of "Galactus" in the second Fantastic Four movie.



By the way, the music during the aliens' approach is ominous, foreboding, and completely classic!

0:25 - In one of my favorite scenes of the movie, Big Willie shatters the record of "person being completely oblivious of his surroundings". He ignores neighbors fleeing, news reports, and his son's warnings - making it ALL THE WAY out to his front stoop to pick up the newspaper. A look right, a look left, and then looking forward to see the BIG FUCKING SPACESHIP IN HIS FRONT YARD! Amazingly, this record is then immediately shattered by The Cougar, who ignores all the same warnings, and then brings out a cup of coffee to Will before noticing the 15 mile spaceship in her front yard.

0:30 - So, it has been established by Jeff Goldblum that there's six hours before the aliens attack. So, somehow he fights through traffic, gets to Hirsch's house, and gets on the road to Washington DC. The car is going slow, and the roads are packed. Six hours? That's a bit of a stretch, even in a movie about aliens blowing up the planet.

0:33 - Harry Connick, Jr. makes an appearance as bizarro-Carlton. He uses "bootie" more times than a white guy should. Solid gay marriage joke in this scene.

0:35 - Man, The Cougar doesn't notice shit, does she? She's dancing around a stripper pole before realizing that the bar is completely empty. She does a nice job showing compassion to her stripper friends.

0:37 - Jeff Goldblum gets in to the White House by "triangulating" something. I heart pseudo-science.

0:43 - It's been 20 minutes since the alien spaceships took their positions. The movie start off with a bolt of lightening, but now? Let's get to the "working overtime" part!

0:46 - And boom goes the dynamite.



I have to say, the special effects are still very impressive, especially for a movie being 13 years old. It is so nice to see the miniature sets explode and stunt cars go flying, whereas nowadays it would be all CGI.

0:47 - Just to note: Harvey Firestein was still stuck in the city. That six hour drive from NY to DC still bugs me. It is also great to see Air Force One is faster than fireballs.

0:48 - FINALLY my girl VAF notices something before another character, spotting the fireballs before her son does. This is actually a very scary scene (especially since I was 11 when I saw it). Good to see the dog survive, though.

0:49 - We're into July 3rd. I've only known Randy Quaid's family for one day, and I already hate them. They are the Luc Longley to Smith/Goldblum/Pullman's MJ/Scottie/Rodman. (To continue the analogy, Loggia is definitely Ron Harper.)

0:52 - I love a good briefing for a mission scene. Very Star Wars-esque. Poor Harry Connick Jr., he might as well be wearing a red shirt at this point.

0:58 - Great No-ments in History: "Jimmy NOOO!!!" - Will Smith

1:01 - Another fantastic scene with Will Smith shit-talking the downed alien ship. After punching out the alien: "Welcome to Earth! Now that's what I call a close encounter." Action movie writing at its finest. Usually, two witty alien puns would be dispersed throughout the movie. However, this movie breaks the paradigm and delivers two back-to-back. On my bucket list is punching someone in the face, and then saying that line.

1:03 - "All you need is love. John Lennon. Smart man. Shot in the back. Very sad." - Judd Hirsch. Yes, that made me laugh out loud. No, I'm not on any drugs while watching this.

1:07 - Goldblum and Pullman find out about Area 51. Quaid and Smith run into each other in the desert, and the closest military base is, you guessed it, Area 51. And you thought they'd have to come up with a stupid way to get characters from Los Angeles, New York City, New Mexico, and Washington D.C. together.

1:11 - We're overtly told that the aliens are similar to humans, and that they are interested in our planet. There's a heavy-handed message layered into this movie somewhere, and by god, I'll find it even if it kills me!

1:15 - Man, That Guy is a total dick. I demand he gets his comeuppance!

1:18 - The Cougar admits she voted for "the other guy" while talking to the first lady. I know I'm making a big assumption, but could Pullman's character be a Republican?

1:19 - The alien autopsy scene is pretty cool, but the writers seemed to get a little lazy. Words like "icky" and "thingamajig" are used by the mad scientist.

1:23 - So what do the aliens want us to do? Die. Motherfucking die. These guys are completely bad ass.

1:29 - That Guy talks Republican Lone Star into a nuclear strike, which fails. I demand he gets his comeuppance!

1:33 - The President's wife dies. I've been bombarded by too many human emotions at this point - the fight between Goldblum and his ex, the reuniting of the Fresh Prince and The Cougar, and now this. Although, I'll always remember a fantastic bit on Weekend Update, where Darrell Hammond as Bill Clinton raved about how much he loved this scene.

1:34 - We're into July 4th. Money time! And a drunk Goldblum!



And Judd gives him the classic "catch a cold" idea. This scene is genius!

1:37 - "I gave it a cold." Love it. It's all about signals, Jerry, signals! Kudos to sharp shooting by Adam Baldwin as Major Mitchell.

1:40 - That Guy gets his ass chewed out by Kick Ass President Lone Star. Hit the road, bitch! That's some good comeuppance!

1:41 - And the USA alerts the world that they are smarter than them. U S A! U S A!

1:47 - Fuck and yes.



GAH! I want to run through a GODDAMN brick wall!

1:52 - Goldblum is busting out all the classic Goldblum-isms. "Yes, Fat Lady." "Oops? What Oops?" "Yes yes." "No no."

1:59 - The virus is in! It's tough to keep updates - this is getting intense. Ooh, nice hit from Lone Star! Time to kick ET's ass!

2:04 - Spoiler Alert: Randy Quaid saves the day.



This that you can abuse yourself with alcohol for years and still save the entire planet. What's the time limit on spoiler alerts, by the way? I say six months. So, if I just ruined this for you, I'm sorry, but you had 12 years and six months.

2:07 - The space ship that is 15 miles long and right over the military base explodes, and then drifts listlessly over to the abandoned area of the desert, causing no major harm to anyone down below. Um. Moving on.

2:10 - Little known fact: screaming makes you drive faster.

2:13 - Excellent "Conquering Hero" shot. Another thing to add to my bucket list: walk away proudly while something is burning behind me.

2:15 - "Didn't I promise you fireworks?" "Yeah." Time to rebuild civilization. Credits roll.

Overall, it's a fantastic example of a summer blockbuster - cliche but lines, great action scenes, corny scenes of human emotion blatantly designed to tug at audience emotions, a sharp sense of humor, and characters that fit perfectly within their archetypes. If you've forgotten about this movie, I highly recommend going out today and watching it this weekend. Read more!

Daredevil: The Man Without Ambition

by Rory, the Bad Genious Procrastinator

Daredevil - the Man Without Fear! Daredevil – the Blind Hero! Daredevil – Lawyer by day, Vigilante by Night! Daredevil – Protector of Hell’s Kitchen! Dare---

Wait, what? Protector of Hell’s Kitchen? As a resident of this lovely area of Manhattan, I just gotta say – you are setting the bar a little low there, double D. This regional restriction brings up two big questions for the man of many Ms.

1. Why just Hell’s Kitchen?

For those of you unfamiliar with New York City, the town is broken up into quaint sectors that serve the purpose of creating broad stereotypes about the people who live there. Hell’s Kitchen is one such district, spanning from 34th Street to 59th street (which is Madison Square Garden to Central Park) and 8th Avenue to the Hudson River.

Yup, that’s it. Under 30 blocks, and a couple of avenues. Really, Daredevil, don’t hurt yourself on your 2 hour patrols. Other super heroes protect entire cities, countries, and even universes. But, hey, keep a close touch on your 2 square miles. We’re all very impressed.

And furthermore, what happens if the criminals, you know, flee? Does he chase criminals until they hit Chelsea, pause, and then dust his hands off and say “Well, my work here is done”? But these are just minor foibles, compared to big question numero dos:

2. What threats are there in Hell’s Kitchen?

Now, I know I may be jinxing myself when writing this, and will probably get mugged later tonight. There’s still a lot of crime in the city, but things have really been cleaned up since the 1980s. Here are some of the common dangers that Daredevil probably faces nightly.

• Bums

Ah, the homeless. The spice of New York. Now, just to be clear – I don’t see all bums as threats. There are some that are picking aluminum cans out of the trash – a vital public service. Others entertain by singing on the subway or concocting tales of needing $3.25 for a bus ticket. And then there are some screaming about the radio signals in their heads. Fun!

However, there are others constantly giving you the stink eye. If you are a girl, you may be hounded by cat-calls as you walk down the street (in other neighborhoods of Manhattan, guys may also have the same concern). Compounded with the fact that many of these dilapidated fellows are veterans, there may be some need for a super-hero, but this is amateur hour. Threat Level: 5




• Drunk College Kids

Loud, belligerent, and amorous - you will find this vile creature staggering out of all bars and clubs between two and four in the wee hours of the night. Home of John Jay College, this area still sees its share of the Columbia elites and NYU vagrants. But, this is small potatoes for a super-hero. Daredevil should easily be able to break up quarrels between Yankees and Mets fans while holding back a freshman’s hair as she pukes on the sidewalk. Threat Level: 1




• Air smells mysteriously like weed

I’m blaming this on the college kids, too. It’s hard to get more than a few blocks anywhere in this area without the aroma hitting you – and with Daredevil’s heightened senses, he’ll be walking around with a second-hand high all day long. (Now that I think about it, it really explains Stephon Marbury’s behavior since getting traded to the Knicks). Anyway, this will definitely impede Mr. Murdock’s war on crime. Threat Level: 4.20

• Litterbugs

If you visit Manhattan, I must warn you – do your best to avoid walking near a McDonald’s. You will pass so many discarded wrappers, boxes, and other assorted food-stuffs. Basically, it looks like a fat man exploded. I will never understand why people just throw their trash anywhere. I will also never understand why people choose to wear flip-flops when walking around the city. Did they lose a bet, or are they trying to do research on all the various types of ugly foot fungi you can find in the Big Apple? Threat level: 2

• Dancing street gangs

Probably hanging near the Alvin Ailey dance center, these roving gangs of finger-snapping hoodlums will terrorize you with their knife fights and make you question your sexuality with their catchy numbers. Daredevil, however, will find no trouble going Officer Krupke on their asses.Threat level: 3

• Hand Ninjas

OK, these guys are just dicks. They never die. They create foul smelling smoke every time you try to kill them. They leave the toilet seat up. Every time they sip their coffee, they go "AHHHHH" really loudly. They tell the most boring stories that go nowhere and are a total buzzkill. These guys are bad news bears. Threat Level: 6

Conclusion

Well, I'm all out of bullet points (my gun has no bullets). At this point, it's clear: Daredevil isn't fooling anyone. He takes the road of least resistance for super-heroes - protecting the smallest area out of any super-hero. And what does he get? Tons of money as a lawyer, every hot chick in the Marvel Universe, and the reputation as the "Man Without Fear." But remember, I have shown you...that a man without ambition is a man without fear.

Read more!

West Side Story - New York Comic Con '08

by Rory

When the Pope came to New York City two weekends ago, the Big Apple was blessed in many ways. The weather was beautiful, Isiah Thomas's corpse was expunged from Madison Square Garden, and the 3rd annual New York Comic Con was in town! And guess who was there to take pictures and make snarky comments about it?

Now, mind you, I only attended because I "scored free tickets". On the scale of "scoring free tickets for something geeky/awesome", I'd rank this somewhere between Neil Diamond concert tickets and seeing an inspirational talk from Richard Simmons.

And boy was I honking.

Just $8.44 per half hour? What a bargain! I knew I shouldn't have taken a $2 subway ride! I should've brought my car. Scratch that - two cars!

(Note: this was about a 15 minute walk to the convention center.)

On the way to the convention center on Friday, these kindly gentlemen were giving away free Coca-Cola. What better way to enjoy a comic book convention than jacked up on sugar? I swear, if comic cons were held in every country, there would be no wars. Or, at least, the wars would be a lot cooler to watch.

The lovely Jacob Javits center on a beautiful Friday afternoon. The guy leaving was clearly too sexy for this comic convention. And it wasn't ironic in any way judging from what we'll see inside.

The hot dog vendors clearly had this date circled in their calendars. Christmas in April for these proud meat-type product vendors.

Ah, finally we reach the convention floor. Mercifully not presented here in smell-o-vision. Keep an eye out for all the questionable facial hair decisions!

Don't worry, I can't stop staring at Hulk's package either.

Yes, they had a section dedicated for people to sit in bean-bag chairs. What kind of lazy slobs do they take us for? Well, it does look comfortable, and those Ring-Dings aren't sitting well from breakfast....maybe I'll sit down, just for a bit...

Ever wonder who would win in a lightsaber fight between Spider-Man and some Luke Skywalker-looking guy? Easy: Society wins. This was worth the price of admission. Or, at least, the price I paid for admission.

And just a scant few yards away were the Star Wars dress up people! Seriously, how much more would people like Return of the Jedi if there were TWO Leias in gold bikinis?

Why the comic industry's sales suck: this whole booth, set up by the CBLDF, had posters for Will Eisner's book "The Plot" all over. Intrigued, I ask if I can see the book. The guy said he didn't have any copies of the book. Not that they had been sold out, mind you, it is just he was never given any copies to display. In fact, he said he had no idea that they would be promoting this book and that the booth would look like this.

People forget how big the Jacob Javits Center is. In the basement, below the comic con, was a gym industry convention. I not you shit! "Wow" is all I can say. This reminds me of the Far Side "Trouble Brewing" running gags, where you would see a poodle training center next to a condor training center. I wonder if the person booking these things saw the potential jocks/geeks clash here.

No snarky comment here. This is just cool.

Well, with the beautiful spring weather, a free ticket, and a few hours to kill on a weekend, the New York Comic Con is the place to be. See you next year!

...wait, it is in February next year? It'll be fucking freezing! Anybody got free tickets to San Diego? Read more!