4.29.2009

Wolverine Plot Generator

by Brandon
Wolverine is one of those characters fans just love to hate. For better or worse, Wolverine really is one of those characters that seems to just be everywhere. Many people like to slack off on the character in public while they secretly opine for him behind closed doors. There's no denying the character is just slightly overused in the Marvel Universe. But hey, why not? The character can move a book like hotcakes. There's definitely a market out there for stories involving the ol' knucklehead. There are only so many ways you can write Wolverine stories and yet they keep coming. There are commonalities between Wolverine stories. Many of the stories are rife with cliches. Some are just downright pitiful in their formulaic mechanics. But never fear! You too can write the most mundane Wolverine story to ever grace a Guardians of the Galaxy issue! With this hand-dandy Wolverine Plot generator you can have Wolverine riding on his motorcycle in no time trading fisticuffs with Sabertooth or some other villain.


The Protagonist...
There is really only one type of protagonists in Wolverine stories; Wolverine. The thing any hack has to sort out is whether Wolverine will be in costume or in his civvies. If you go with a costume, the decision then lies in what type of costume. Do you go for the brown and red? How about the blue and yellow? Maybe the X-Force black and gray? Whichever one you go with, it's sure to impress any Hand ninjas or Marauders you met up with in your story. If you decide to go the civilian clothing route, please, please, please make sure he's a white shirt, bluejeans, and a leather jackets. A hat is optional, but no other clothes need apply.



The Antagonist(s)...
Wolverine has many, many antagonists you can choose from. With a population of over 6.6 Billion people on the planet, Wolverine could spar with just about anyone! And let's face it, this is a comic book! Anyone could be a villain! A guy pops off to Logan in a bar? FIGHT! A super-villain trashing a meeting of a Japanese crime lord's family who has contacted Wolverine as a favor to a trouble Asian woman who needs the tender strong arm of a mutant because she has a death contract out on her based on a meeting Wolverine had with a visiting Buddhist holy monk thirty years before? FIGHT!Cyclops getting him a piece of ass with White Queen? FIGHT! With Wolverine, anyone can be a potential threat. However, provided are a list of villains you may want to choose from...

- Sabertooth: An oldie but goodie. Lots of folks will be familiar with this guy, but think of all the rad/dated dialogue you could write that you and others have already read a million times. The possibilities are limitless in its limitlessness! Again!

- Magneto: Oh yeah. Who wouldn't want to write the Master of Magnetism? Wolverine has ripped this guys head off before. But that was a clone. Or something. An evil spirit? Dammit, I can't remember. He was something, but dude, regardless of evil doppelgangers or junked out mutants, they should totally have a rematch!

- The Hand/Ninjas: Wolverine fighting ninjas never gets old. Sure, it gets a bit boring. And yes, the eastern mysticism and witticisms do get a bit strained, but come on, it's ninjas! And Wolverine! How freaking awesome is that?

- Cyber: This is the poor man's Terminator... or is it the Terminator's poor man? Either way, this guy has a major mad-on for Wolverine. Like Sabertooth, you don't even need a reason for these two to fight, but adding in Daken or some ancient sword couldn't hurt.



The Setting...
Wolverine is a proverbial Renaissance Man when it comes to settings. From to the tropical to weird, the wild to the tame, from Space to the N-Zone, Wolverine is such an adaptive character to any environment. He's like a rabbit, but not. Because rabbits are wusses. Wolverine is not. Just FYI. Here are just a few places you can throw Wolverine;

- Road Trip: It never hurts to start a Wolverine story off with the main man riding on his motorcycle. Whether it be through a forest or city, it's just so refreshing to see riding his bike, the wind whipping through his claws.

- The Savage Land: The jungles of the Savage Land are wild and savage. The Savage Land is like, um, a metaphor for how wild and savage Wolverine is. I think. Wolverine is a savage beast. Savage! The Savage land is a land of savage beasts. The savagery unleashed by any savagely set story in the Savage Land would be so savage that Wolverine would have to unleash a savage rage!

- Bar/Truck Stop: Wolverine isn't your typical pansy. He doesn't go frat housing with your typical fraternity lowlifes who enjoy paying for each others company with Daddy's trust fund while they create memories whilst singing Jimmy Buffet's back catalog. No, Wolverine likes to go to the seediest bar or truck stop as only the great true north strong and free can provide. If Wolverine isn't picking up lot lizards, he's at least got to be busting heads over some local yokel's ignorant attitudes towards "muties." If you want to add extra spice to the scene, have Juggernaut or Sabertooh bust into the bar. From there, these scenes should just write themselves.

- San Francisco: This whole move to San Fransisco during the Manifest Destiny "non-event event story" has been lackluster. Wolverine just needs to spice up the town a little. Sure, he's already had his obligatory "I'm taking over an ancient order of kung fu hooligans while getting a cool new shamanistic mentor to teach me the true ways to become the Karate Kid" story with the Wolverine: Manifest Destiny miniseries. But what we need more of is a second "I'm taking over an ancient order of kung fu hooligans while getting a cool new shamanistic mentor to teach me the true ways to become the Karate Kid" story. Then, to really make sure the reader get the point, it is highly necessary that Marvel push for a third "I'm taking over an ancient order of kung fu hooligans while getting a cool new shamanistic mentor to teach me the true ways to become the Karate Kid" story.m That would so rock!

- Weapon-X Installation: When all else fails at the laptop, your blank word processing page mocking your every attempt to squeeze adamantium out of the keys, there is one place where any Wolverine writer can go to find the El Dorado of all Wolverine stories; Weapon X! While the Russians and Americans were building nuclear weapons and launch facilities, the Canadians were wisely spending their time building bunkers to test cool things out on soon-to-be-cool comic book characters. I mean, there have only been 1,326.5 stories dealing with Wolverine going on a vision quest of sorts to one of these fabled facilities where, alas, his innocence was lost. Shed no tears for this, though. Wolverine should simply show, kick some ass, and then swear to never return to any Weapon X facility again. For at least two issues. Maybe three. Check the current solicitations before you promise anything.



The Goal
Wolverine is a busy man. I mean, shit, brutha' shows up in at least fourteen titles a month at a minimum. You have to have goals and objectives to get around that much. Wolverine doesn't strike me as the kind of hero who keeps an updated schedule on his Blackberry, so he has to have a purpose before he gets entangled with the Heroes for Hire this week or Quasar and the Cosmic Rollers next week. Here are some goals that should help Wolverine ease through your story like a hot claw through butter;

- Do it for Jean!: Wolverine should always be pining for his lost redheaded love. This gives him a sense of purpose. A nice flashback of the two coyly flirting in the Danger Room should suffice. Anything that follows such a scene is golden. If Logan thinks that he can make up something to his dead crush, then he'll do it with gusto! There's only one girl Wolverine ever loved, and that was so many years ago. And though he'll never get her out of his heart. She never really loved him back. ... Chrsit! I'm sorry. I just totally channeled Meat Loaf there. Forgive me.

- Save the World!: Nothing quite gets at a superheroes goat like threatening the peace and security of the world. Ending all creation is a motivating activity. Villains threaten to do this all the time, but few can actually pull it off. Someone would have to flood New York or create an alternate world where Charles Xavier is killed and Apocalypse takes over. It would have to be some serious shit to get Wolverine good and pissed off, but it could happen.

- Save Canada!: I wish Canadians could feel a sense of ultra-nationalism. Say what you will about right-wing conservative wackos, but they really do know how to take nationalistic pride to a whole new level of crazy. Wouldn't it be great to read the ultimate patriotic comic book for Canadian nationalism? I would love to see Wolverine wrap himself in a Canadian flag to hold off the bleeding wounds that cover his body as he lashes out at the last of Canada's many enemies. It's time for Wolverine to take his rightful spot alongside Celine Dion as the champion for Canadian values. That's a Wolverine story worth telling!

1 comment:

Peter said...

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