8.13.2008

Make Love Like a Wookie

by Brandon

Want to get your freak on with a lady, but want to make it a memorable, meaningful experience for both of you? Let Dr. Brandon give you a lesson in love. Wookie love! I want to teach you all of the tantric sex methods that have been taught on Kashyyyk for generations. Though feared for their fierceness on the battlefield, many people do not know that they have a penchant for virility in the bedroom. This humble guide will arm you with all the talents you need to make whoopee like an ace Wookie!

Get to know your partner.
Wookies aren’t exactly known for their verbosity in or outside the bedroom. The even have a reputation for just getting what they want, while ignoring their partner’s desires. Despite this sometimes unfair situation, there are several things that you can do to improve communication in the bedroom with your partner. If she asks if you would like her to put on something sexy, don’t just shrug or throw her impassively on the bed and begin getting your groove on. Simply say something nice like, “WAA WAAA WARGH!” or “MWAH WAH RAWH WAH!” This will let her know that you think her opinions are important and that you want her input.

Embrace your body hair.

Typically, an excess of body hair is cringe inducing flaw that many women find to be horrendously uninviting. But perk up! You’re reading an article that will get you bedded by chicks that dig the surplus hair currently residing on your back, chest, appendages, or nether regions! This overabundance of hair isn’t to be seen as a negative. Oh no. It’s an asset on the Wookie Love market. Just think of the kinky games you can bring into foreplay by being just a bit shaggy! Love braids, anyone? You bet! For those ladies that enjoy long cuddling sessions before and after lovemaking, your hirsute body will provides comfort she can’t find outside of a zoo or a cheap New York street vendor.


Avoid shower, spa, and hot tub situations. Though being hairy is definitely a plus for Wookie style lovemaking, I would almost categorically recommend that you avoid all contact with water. Though scenic watery locales can provide extra romance to nearly any romantic encounter, it can only lead to tears and anguish in the case of a Wookie. Wet, soppy fur aside, the real issue is the smell. Wet hair is wet hair, and typically long, flowering hair like that of a Wookie definitely carries a scent. Remember, the goal is to woo the woman, not make her wrinkle her nose. If you must take your activities outdoors, Wookies typically feel more comfortable in the forest. If you can find some nice wooded areas you will be on the hyperspace route to supreme happiness in no time.

Don’t be afraid to growl.
Low guttural noises have been a large part of human society for years. Wrestling, Animal Planet programming, Vin Diesel movies, and hot, primal sex all require growling. Growling can significantly enhance the lovemaking experience while adding an air of animal wildness to the mix. Just don’t get carried away. Growls work best if they are released in 3 to 7 second spurts. Anything under makes it seem like a belch, and anything over that threshold just sounds like you are faking it.


Establish a first-rate O-Face.

Wookies have been known for their brutal visages. It can be tough to show excitement when you have the face of a stone cold killing beast. Women have often reported feeling distant and sad after making love with someone well versed in Wookie love making skills because it can be too rough. Sure, women who seek out the Wookie type know what they are getting into, but that doesn’t excuse you from taking a shred of responsibility in the act. When in the middle of achieving climax, it is not appropriate to growl angrily like you have just been refused service at a Mos Espa bar. Slamming your fists down on the body of your lover like you have just lost a game of Dejarik to a couple of droids is also a no-no. As Yoda said, you must learn some control. Even in a galaxy far, far away, orgasms are an exciting, passionate response intended to be enjoyed, not feared. The best advice I can give you is to practice, practice, practice. Get in front of mirror and practice a passionate, yet loving O-face. Your partner will appreciate it.

Be careful with that mouth, Chewie.
If one truly adopts a Wookie lifestyle, they have to be careful with their newly sharpened teeth. You can’t just go slobbering around your usual haunts, if you know what I mean. It may help to get some fruits to practice smooching on at first. Melons obviously work best, but other smaller fruits can give you accurate dimensions of your maw’s reach. Just be mindful that even though you are a menacing carnivore, you are also a lover, and lovers seldom draw blood.

Be choosy with potential mates.
You’re a big hunk of Wookie man that attracts all sorts of attention from the fairer sex. So what? Don’t jump on the first thing promises to take you on the Kessel Run in 12 parsecs. Select your bedroom crew member (or members) as exclusively as you would a life debt. But don’t be too afraid to take a chance. If you turn down those Twi’lek twins now, who knows when another opportunity for some hot action like that will come up again?

In the end, making love like a Wookie is more about attitude than anything else. Don’t let other people’s judgments color your self-image. Don’t fret over the details and just let your Wookie come out of you naturally. You will know you have succeeded when the ladies continue to show up after you refuse to clean your tree hut.

Good luck out there, would-be-Wookies. It’s a tough galaxy out there, but you can succeed too!

8 comments:

Mister said...

Brilliant!

Brandon said...

I should also clarify that while the Wookie lifestyle is certainly exciting and fulfilling for some, many find it to be difficult. This isn't for everyone. In fact, the percent of the population that this would work for is frighteningly low. If you would like to take dip into the Wookie pool, do so slowly. It's like using a Wookie lubricant. Go gently and if it's not right for you, don't sweat it. Just stop before you tear something up.

coolgirlsar said...

I haven't laughed this much is ages. Brilliant stuff Brandon!

KACH! said...

That main picture is abso-fucking-loutely hilarious.

--J.

Brandon said...

This piece was not meant to evoke laughter. It was intended to help people "get it on."

Matt said...

Words fail me.

I just might have to try this.

coolgirlsar said...

Brandon said...

This piece was not meant to evoke laughter. It was intended to help people "get it on."


But my man don't need no help. :D

Brandon said...

Your man might not need it, but you do. Feel the fur.